top of page
Search

New reference book: 'Jane's Delayed Fighting Vehicles - an A-to-A Guide'



A much slimmer version of the authoritative 'Armoured Fighting Vehicles' publication from Jane's will be produced. Soon. Within budget. And without requiring extensive re-training of readers on how to use the new book.


This edition focuses on severely delayed vehicle programmes, especially those whose service names begin with A. Coincidentally, apart from the nomenclature, one thing they all have in common is that they are being procured, or not as the case may be, by the British Ministry of Defence. The Ajax program supports several variants of the basic design: the Ajax itself, the Athena, the Ares, the Argus, the Atlas and the Apollo. The supplier won a contract 13 years ago, and so far the quantities of vehicles of each type in service is best given in round numbers i.e. zeroes. Forecasts by military experts of likely in-service dates now range from "late 2028 or 2029" through to "In The Year 2525."


Several suggestions have been forthcoming about renaming the variants as the Anthrax, the Apnoea, the Arse, the Anus, the At Last, and the Appalling.


It is also rumoured that a suitable company, experienced in operating severely delayed programmes, is being sought. Appropriately, Avanti is the lead contender.





First published 22 Mar 2023


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?



















HMS MacGuyver


The Royal Navy is being ridiculed globally following the humiliating news that it has no presence in the Middle East. The Labour government assures us that this is being dealt with as a priority.


‘The reason we don’t have any ships in the Middle East’ explains MOD spokesman, Clive Gobbins ‘is because we honestly thought it was all sand. Lots of sandy bits and rocky bits. We’ve only just realised that it actually has watery bits. But we’re working hard now, to make our presence known.’


Before any ships can be sent out to the war zone, the MOD and the Royal Navy have several issues to address. The first is that many of the brand new ships being built are still covered in scaffolding and tarpaulin. These ships were top of the line when they were planned but are now likely to be decommissioned upon completion, due to their technology being obsolete.


There is a tiny glimpse of good news however, in that there are a small handful of ships that are actually ready to go to fight in the war right now, in terms of being ship-shape and sea-worthy.  But, unfortunately, these vessels are covered in rainbow designs and no Navy personnel are willing to take them to war because they might be seen and shot at. The MOD is frantically trying to arrange for these ships to be repainted but they have been unable to find a decorator with enough paint or time in their schedule.

Therefore some out of the box thinking has been required, as a very proud Clive Gobbins explains.


‘I’m absolutely over the moon to introduce you to the newest ship of the Royal Navy fleet. HMS MacGuyver. What we’ve done here, is we’ve taken several of the small boats confiscated from illegal Channel crossings, and tied them all together using rope and gaffer tape.’


Arms on the HMS MacGuyver include a machine gun stuck on the front and "Very bright torches" to blind the enemy with.  Defences include paddles to "Bat away" any incoming enemy fire and a "Very handy emergency ejection system" where the occupants basically fall over the side. 


We asked Mr Gobbins why the MacGuyver does not fly the Union Jack. He answered 'Originally it was supposed to have a small flag pole for the flag but it punctured the rubber body of the vessel.  A valuable lesson - it's why the HMS MacGuyver also comes with a puncture repair kit'


The HMS MacGuyver was launched from Southampton yesterday, got three hundred yards off the coast, and was attacked by a flock of angry seagulls.  The brave crew are being treated for PTSD.




MoD to be funded by new Firework Tax



In some "out of the box but away from a naked light" thinking, the traditional model of funding the Ministry of Defence is to be dropped, and replaced with a 10% levy on all fireworks sold.


"It's a given that the Great British Public enjoys an impromptu firework display" said a Government Spokes-sparkler, "so we are linking this love of bangs and explosions to directly fund the defence of this great country"


Senior MoD officials were initially dismissive of the proposal as a joke, but an impromptu study carried out on New Year's Eve 2021 showed that the near continuous 4 hour barrage in the Portsmouth area would have generated enough income for a new aircraft carrier, four regiments of tanks and the down-payment on a Death Star.


Additional "firework" celebration days are now being proposed by the MoD, with Good Friday being followed by Whizz-Bang Saturday, Shrove Tuesday paired with Rocket Wednesday, and all remaining Bank Holidays designated no low-flying days to maximise the explosive fun.





First published 2 Jan 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















bottom of page