Money | NewsBiscuit

'Scientists' create an equation for the effectiveness of fake equations

BillClay
Nov 12

News based media loves a good equation to look scientific and hide the fact it is just promotional material for a holiday company or skincare product. Our brave boffins have come up with a suitably vague equation to summarise and monetise this very situation.

Where:

x = Content Provided (in clicks/second)

y = Desperation for grant money (£ per second)

a = Willingness for scientists to be referred to as boffins (Lack-of-Shame per £)

b = Public gullibility (Gaslighting per person)

c = Slow news compensation factor (decreases exponentially after each major event)

This is classed as a Pseudo-numerical Supposition and instead of showing working, it’s show me the money.

Image: sjajolika - Pixabay

7 money saving tips from financial guru, Martin Clueless

Raggers
Nov 7

During this cost-of-living crisis, many are struggling to make ends meet. Here are some hints to help you to save a few pounds:

1. Clear out your food cupboard - you’re bound to find several items you’d forgotten about. Ignore ‘best before’ dates – that’s just a ruse thought up by food manufacturers to get you to waste money. If you find any Pot Noodles or Toast Toppers chuck them in the bin, even if they’re not out of date. Don’t donate them to a food bank – those people have suffered enough.

2. Defrost your freezer, and liberate all those stray peas and bits of carrot that have been embedded in the ice for years. Combine them will all the loose grains of rice from the back of the food cupboard to make a delicious risotto.

3. Don’t throw away that mouldy Cheddar from the back of the fridge - eat it, and pretend it’s Stilton. You won’t notice the taste if you wash it down with that bottle of ouzo you bought back from Greece 20 years ago.

4. Whenever you feel cold, run up and down the stairs 50 times, as fast as you can. You’ll soon be all hot and sweaty, so you won’t need to put the heating on.

5. If you are reckless enough to turn the heating on, take a tip from your Nan – don’t heat the whole house, just heat the living room to 40°C, while the rest of the house is below freezing. The blast of cold air whenever you leave the living room may come as a shock, but the sudden change in temperature will really get your circulation going. You’ll get all the same health benefits as those nutters who go ice swimming, without having to get wet.

6. Scrape the black mould from the bathroom ceiling, and spread it on a cracker. Eat it and pretend it’s Beluga caviar, like what posh people eat. It probably tastes the same.

7. Insects are a good source of protein. If you have a teenage son, there are bound to be loads of dead flies on his bedroom windowsill, which will make a nutritious snack. Try not to wonder why there are so many dead flies in there, or where the horrible smell is coming from. And definitely don’t look under the bed.

Disclaimer: Newsbiscuit is not responsible for any ill effects suffered by readers who are daft enough to follow Martin Clueless’ tips.

Image: Pixabay/QuinceCreative

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 7 Nov 2022

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Kwasi Kwarteng "still hopeful" for employee of the month award

apepper
Oct 5

The chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, is reported to have cleared a space on a side cabinet for an Employee of the Month award.

"He's surprisingly optimistic.", said a treasury spokesman. "I have explained that destroying the pound, humiliating the party and pushing mortgage rates through the roof isn't an ideal start to a career."

Your reporter repeated these reservations to Mr Kwarteng who responded, "Well, I think you'll find there's more to the job that running the economy. I carried a tray of champagne for some mates at a do the other day and they seemed jolly appreciative; that counts for something."

When it was pointed out that the Treasury doesn't actually have an employee of the month award. Mr Kwarteng responded, "Well, it will after my conference speech. And might I add, I've a really tidy desk; the prime-minister asked me to clear it this morning."