The five million quid was a gift to guarantee my security. I bought an expensive house, because it would be easier to secure, and I bought some of those switches to turn the lights on and off to make it look like you're at home. And I need the rest of the money for my other safe houses. I can't say where they are, I'm afraid. At least one of them is in Britain. I needed security because I wasn't going to be an MP, and lots of people were very upset about that.
The money also covers dry cleaning for my suits - getting out banana milkshake, for example.
No, wait. It's a reward for achieving Brexit. 27 years work. That's only £185k a year. Not that it was a payment. It was a non-taxable reward - for me, not the country. It is a reward for things that I've done in the past. There is no expectation that I might do anything in return, in the future.
Actually, it was a lottery win. No, I didn't keep the ticket. Yes, it was a British lottery. Definitely not EuroMillions.
I found it in the street in Westminster. I took it to the police, but nobody claimed it, so it's mine.
I won it, after betting on myself to win I'm a Celebrity.
I earned it on Cameo, but I earned it outside the country so it's not taxable. That's what Angela told me, anyway.
I had a really valuable Pokémon card, which I sold for five million quid. A picture of a lizard that evolves into a toad, or something. It was called Chameleozard, I think. That's where the money came from.
It's not my money, it was just resting in my account.
Can we talk about something else now?
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