Iran asks Boris Johnson to intervene

With the Iranian regime at an inflection point, the Ayatollah has reached out to former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson for help.

'We are concerned that the insurgency will succeed, so we need to destabilise it before it is too late,' said a spokesman for the regime.  'The last time Boris intervened he resulted in the arrest of a British subject who was on the cusp of being allowed home.  That's the kind of incompetence we require.  We are begging Mr Johnson to interfere with the insurgents, advise them what to say and do and hopefully this will be over in a couple of days with thousands of insurgents safely in jail, just how we like it,' he added.

A spokesman for Mr Johnson said the request was an abomination and a terrible idea.  'Did they mention how much?' he asked.

Debt collectors now calling randomly

Debt collectors, whose work has been publicised by television, admit targeting non-debtors.

A debt collector working for one debt recovery company told us, 'We don't bother trying to get the address right. It's always wrong on the paperwork anyway. So we just pick any old address in the area and turn up on spec.

'Usually people open the front door and I put me foot in, and they can't close it. Then I ask them if they've had any emails or messages asking for payments. That makes them think a bit. They aren't surprised to see us, because most people have had some scam emails, messages or letters demanding payment of debts for all sorts of fake things.

'Thing is, everyone's in debt these days aren't they?

'In the rare case where we do end up taking stuff from people who aren't in debt, they can always take us to court to get the money back. They will need a court order. Then they will need to go to a debt collection agency. It sometimes comes to me as a job, isn't that a laugh? Obviously I don't do our own place, I just get the address a bit wrong and do some plebs who probably have debts too. The client gets their money, so what's the problem?

'But, taking us to court will take ages and be very expensive, so they're better off just forgetting about it. Best just get more stuff on Amazon on the never-never, and carry on. Happy days!'

Image credit: stable diffusion

'Scientists' create an equation for the effectiveness of fake equations

News based media loves a good equation to look scientific and hide the fact it is just promotional material for a holiday company or skincare product. Our brave boffins have come up with a suitably vague equation to summarise and monetise this very situation.

Where:

x = Content Provided (in clicks/second)

y = Desperation for grant money (£ per second)

a = Willingness for scientists to be referred to as boffins (Lack-of-Shame per £)

b = Public gullibility (Gaslighting per person)

c = Slow news compensation factor (decreases exponentially after each major event)

This is classed as a Pseudo-numerical Supposition and instead of showing working, it’s show me the money.

Image: sjajolika - Pixabay