UK economy avoids recession due to glossy video.

The Office for National Statistics reported that the UK economy narrowly avoided recession in October and November of 2022 due to the injection of hundreds of millions of pounds from an unnamed source of private capital.

The money went into the video production industry as well as the targeted advertising sector, and it formed an unusually large movement of international funds at the end of the year.

This boost occurred in what was otherwise a period of financial caution, caused by the turmoil of the Truss premiership.

Rishi Sunak was unavailable for comment, although he did release a glossy video.

Money for nothing

‘Gap between borrowing and savings rates’ to be recognised as a Wonder of the World

The huge chasm between the rates for borrowing money and those offered to savers by banks is to replace the Grand Canyon as one of the Wonders of the World, it has been announced.

‘It’s about time this gap got some kind of recognition’, said bank account holder Mike McBride.

‘I regularly stand there staring at my bank statement, speechless, in simple open-mouthed awe, comparing the 5% or 6% interest rate on my mortgage with the 0.5% offered to me on my admittedly measly levels of savings’

‘I was lucky enough to be looking at the gap last week and saw it increase in size in front of my eyes – something to tell the grandchildren’, continued McBride.

‘When the Bank of England increased the base rate, my mortgage rate immediately went up by the full 0.75% but my savings rate inched up by 0.00001%. You have to marvel at the sheer magnitude and scale of the gap – I hope it gets identified as a UNESCO heritage site or something’.

‘This is nonsense – there are some very competitive savings rates still available to customers’ said Sir Hugh Gevault of the Bankers Federation.

‘A number of our banks actually have a very generous 1.5% rate currently available to all savers. All we ask is that savers keep a minimum of £500,000 untouched in the bank there for a period of 199 years, and if they make a single withdrawal in this time, we would of course take all their children as a penalty charge’.

‘Mine and my banking executives’ eye-watering bonus levels, however’, continued Gevault. ‘Now they are a modern wonder of the world. Long may they continue’

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