Jurgen Klopp arranging for more players’ family members to be kidnapped

Following Luis Diaz’s stoppage time goal against Luton Town, saving Liverpool from an embarrassing defeat by the Premier League minnows, manager Jurgen Klopp is said to be considering having more of his players’ family members kidnapped.

'Diaz never seemed to be giving his best before,' Klopp allegedly told reporters today. 'It’s clear that worrying about his father’s kidnap has really lit a fire under him.'

Sources suggest Klopp is planning the kidnapping of Mohammed Salah’s aunt, Diogo Jota’s nephew and Darwin Nunez’s pedigree cocker spaniel. Suggestions he might also take relatives of the match officials to gain leverage over them were dismissed as unnecessary by a Sky Sports spokesman. 'Clubs like Liverpool make us far more money than clubs like Luton, so the result was neVAR really in doubt.'

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New coins will help children to count says Royal Mint

The Royal Mint has announced it has designed a range of new coins with the specific intention of helping children with arithmetic.

Penny Farthing, a Royal Mint spokesnumismatist told Newsbiscuit and a group of teachers: 'The novel system is based around dividing a pound into 240 pennies, then having coins in a range of denominations, each valued at various multiples of a penny, however a break comes at a dozen pennies, when a coin called a shilling is introduced…'

At this point, a teacher interrupted to say, 'I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. How on earth is that going to help children to count?'

'Hold on a mo,' said Penny Farthing, 'I haven’t explained about thrupenny bits, tanners, florins and half crowns yet, let alone farthings and ha’pennies which we are introducing to teach kids about fractions.'

Newsbiscuit took a straw poll of the teachers present and found none could agree that children would ever be able to comprehend such a complex series of coins.

A chap from the Co-op who was also present said he was grateful to hear the teachers’ opinion, as they had been considering introducing a series of tokens based around coin values as a means of paying dividends to customers, which had been hoped might become play money for children to assist with their numeracy, but would now ditch the idea.

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

Banks forcing 'Cashless Society' on UK, while Govt forcing 'Moneyless Society'

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