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Speaker investigates investigation into Speaker by Speaker


The House of Commons Speaker, Lindsey Hoyle, has declared that there can be no independent investigation into his illicit behaviour, because he has a note from his Mum. Mr.Hoyle went further to explain that there was nothing to see and even if there was, he was ill that day.


Having taken thousands in freebies and lobbyist kickbacks, he was quick to point out that it was all a coincidence, as he has always liked money. The fact that he had shut down votes on the instruction of a foreign government was nothing odd - he does it all the time. Blocking the release of evidence that might incriminate him, he laughed maniacally and boasted you'll never take me alive.


Donald Trump is said to be interested in retaining Mr.Hoyle as a defence lawyer. Prince Andrew is said to be furious that he did not think of it first.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Crowdfunding fails

What are the worst things to see on a crowdfunding site - the one's that are so misguided and wrong, and that no-one in their right mind is ever going to give money to? We asked our correspondents for their thoughts – and here they are...


Fundraising for the undeserving


  • Help out of work celebrities reverse their awful Botox


  • Give Elon Musk his $288m back (refunding his support for the Trump campaign in 2024)


  • The re-elect Liz Truss campaign


  • The Colorado Beetle appreciation society


  • Lets buy Meghan a damehood, and James Corden a knighthood


  • I need £100k to win back my gambling debts of £200k


  • Help fund Prince Andrew's legal costs


  • Plausible deniability training for tax evaders


Fundraising for pointless things


  • Return the Mary Rose to the sea-bed


  • More bat tunnels for HS2


  • Restart manufacture of black & white telly's


  • Invent the room darkening light bulb


  • Expand the network of wasp nests to discourage picnics


  • Acting lessons for footballers to enable them to feign injury more convincingly


  • Amplifiers to be fitted to grunting tennis players


  • Boris Johnson: The Movie


Fundraising for things that sound very risky


  • Funding to cross-breed the Chihuahua and Saint Bernard


  • Scuba diving for COPD sufferers


  • Prophet Muhammed drawing classes


  • Campaign for even more ultra processed food


  • Help foreign powers build new and better Covid variants


Fundraising for things that are just weird and alarming


  • Arse of Boris Johnson, facing France, to be carved into White Cliffs of Dover


  • Get a comments section stitched onto the end of the Bayeux tapestry.


  • Provide free hanky's to go with every panky


  • Volume two of David Cameron's memoirs


  • Help fund the banning of crowdfunding



Writing credits: contributions from deskpilot, will, sinnick, rowly, FlashArry, midfield diamond, james_doc

Picture credit: Wix AI


Reform-led Councils Now Pay Pensions in Farage Bucks

Following the announcement that Reform-led councils will block staff from joining the Local Government Pension Scheme, Deputy Leader of the party Richard Tice has told current members of the plans they will now be paid in a new digital currency called Farage Bucks.


"It's very simple," The MP for Boston and Skegness said from his home in Dubai. "Nigel's a bit of a whizz in the world of Crypto, so we've taken the council pension pots and transferred them all into a memecoin based on his image and popularity, much like President Trump. So long as he stays in the media's eye with positive stories, pensioners will keep getting paid and the value of their pots will grow much more than through traditional investments like the stock market."


In Durham, one of the ten councils now under Reform UK's control, retired council employees had mixed opinions about the new payment arrangements. "I think it's wonderful," said one person at the local working men's club. "I've even taken the contents of my ISA and put it into my pension pot, as having a million Farage Bucks means you get a framed picture of the man himself signed by one of his assistants."


Another was slightly more suspicious, "It's a bit cheeky that I have to use an exchange in the UAE owned by Isabel Oakeshott to turn my Farage Bucks into Sterling," he said. "The fact it automatically includes a 1% donation to Reform on every transaction is also a bit of an eyebrow raiser. But what else can you expect from old frog-face? Some of us have already started calling his money Baron Greenbacks."


image from pixabay


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