Starmer recalls all former Conservative MPs

'Rachel's taken a look at the books and it seems there's something missing,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today.  'We kind of knew about the £30 Billion for track and trace, the Gazillion pounds missing from dodgy deals over covid, but the Treasury coffers have been hollowed out,' he said.

Consequently, every Conservative MP, both those who lost their seats and both of those who kept them, have been told to report to Starmer's office by nine Monday morning and are to turn their pockets out.  Pronto.  They are to bring their briefcases and have them ready for inspection.

'We don't expect to find anything,' confided the spokesman, 'but while Sir Keir's flexing his cane and pacing up and down in front of them we can be ransacking their bank accounts.  Anything over a billion will be considered sus, apart from Rishi, obvs.

One hack asked if they would turn up, to the obvious amusement of the spokesman.  'Did you not hear the bit about the cane?  We're talking Tories here,' he said. 

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A minority of Landlords insist on ruining it for the rest by being decent

As with most professions there is always a minority acting against the rest, and with Landlords, it is no exception. There a few out there, luckily in decreasing numbers, who just want to be decent people. They must be found out and dealt with.

There is a tiny, yet irritating cluster of do-gooders, trying to raise the name of the majority, by wanting to provide affordable, liveable dwellings. Utter madness. They are against the very concept of what being a lord over land is all about and something needs to be done about it.

These insidious altruists undermine the very concept of feudalistic property ownership and want to consider radical schemes such as rent control or cleaning mould. Restrictions on rent increases are abhorrent to the core values of insisting on the maximum rent you can get, then adding a bit more. What do they think the whole point of a owning a house is, if not to make as much money off other people as possible?

As the saying goes, all it takes is a few good apples to enhance the barrel. To improve the whole orchard in fact, and no true property entrepreneur wants that.

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash