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Monkey suspicious of man acting softly softly.





A local monkey is terrified he will be kidnapped after his neighbour has begun acting softly softly.


Mr. Monkey spent his early life in the world renowned Chester Zoo but left that behind for the middle-class dream in an upcoming area, however that dream has now become a nightmare after growing concerns over his neighbour’s intentions.


We caught up with Mr. Monkey earlier and he said, ‘The fella next door has clearly been doing his research and found out the best way to catch a monkey is the softly softly approach. He definitely wants to kidnap me. I’d bet my adorable little fez on it.


‘We’ve always got on fine. There was one silly incident about car parking but that was sorted; he told me I couldn’t park outside my house, and I threw my crap at him. That was the end of that. Then he started wearing hush puppies and whispering a lot.’


We asked Mr. Monkey why he thinks his neighbour would want to kidnap him.


‘He’s heard that stupid theory, hasn’t he? You know the one. If you give a monkey a typewriter, he’ll eventually write the entire works of Shakespeare or something. I know it sounds crazy, but I took a parcel in for him yesterday and I accidently ripped it open and inside was a massive cage and a typewriter. What else could he be planning?’


We questioned his neighbour who was flabbergasted at the accusation. ‘The thought has never entered my head,’ said Dr Steven Power, a renowned primatologist and playwright often referred to as the 'new Shakespeare'.


Tommy12000




First published 19 Mar 2023


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A bible reading from the Book of Epic Fury


And it came to pass that Israel, spoilt child of America, waxed exceeding wrath at the Persians and smote them with all the stuff that America had given them.


And lo, they slew the supreme leader, whereupon they and their sugar daddy Donald fell to gloating and cackling whilst amongst the chief Persians there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth.


And then the Persians waxed wrath and smote all the countries around them which were America's allies - which wasn't the plan. Verily, it was not the plan at all.


Then the neighbouring countries waxed wrath at America and their batshit crazy leader Donald, saying unto him:


'Behold the state of these luxury hotels which the Persians smote in retaliation for you smiting them.


'Who in the name of arse is going to stay in them now? You've totally ruined our tourist industry, you demented monkey boy.


'Now sod off out of our lands and take all your naval bases and air bases with you. With friends like you, who needs bleeding enemies?


And Donald waxed wrath at this unintended consequence, and wailed and gnashed his teeth for forty days and nights on Fox News. But verily, he had no one to blame but his stupid self.


Here endeth the lesson.

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