top of page
Search

Monkey suspicious of man acting softly softly.





A local monkey is terrified he will be kidnapped after his neighbour has begun acting softly softly.


Mr. Monkey spent his early life in the world renowned Chester Zoo but left that behind for the middle-class dream in an upcoming area, however that dream has now become a nightmare after growing concerns over his neighbour’s intentions.


We caught up with Mr. Monkey earlier and he said, ‘The fella next door has clearly been doing his research and found out the best way to catch a monkey is the softly softly approach. He definitely wants to kidnap me. I’d bet my adorable little fez on it.


‘We’ve always got on fine. There was one silly incident about car parking but that was sorted; he told me I couldn’t park outside my house, and I threw my crap at him. That was the end of that. Then he started wearing hush puppies and whispering a lot.’


We asked Mr. Monkey why he thinks his neighbour would want to kidnap him.


‘He’s heard that stupid theory, hasn’t he? You know the one. If you give a monkey a typewriter, he’ll eventually write the entire works of Shakespeare or something. I know it sounds crazy, but I took a parcel in for him yesterday and I accidently ripped it open and inside was a massive cage and a typewriter. What else could he be planning?’


We questioned his neighbour who was flabbergasted at the accusation. ‘The thought has never entered my head,’ said Dr Steven Power, a renowned primatologist and playwright often referred to as the 'new Shakespeare'.


Tommy12000




First published 19 Mar 2023


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?




















Finite number of monkeys still good for Mrs Browns Boys scripts

Australian mathematical researchers have dismissed the adage that an infinite number of monkeys typing for an infinitely long time would write the complete works of Shakespeare.  They point out that an infinite number of monkeys isn't plausible at any given time, and the universe is very much likely to have a finite lifetime.  They have, usefully, calculated that any given monkey is unlikely to type the word 'banana' within its own finite life.


Undeterred a spokesperson for the Mrs Brown's Boys TV show has defended the decision to utilise three monkeys for two days a week to generate a script.  'It's worked for the last thirteen years', and notwithstanding the fine calculations of the mathematicians would continue in the same way going forward.  'They may know about maths, but what do they know about writing humour?' he asked.  It turns out he was referring to the monkeys.




Monkeys will never type Shakespeare but can become President

A peer-reviewed study has discovered that it would take longer than the life-span of the Universe to type Shakespeare, but less than three months for Donald Trump to become President again. A scientist explained: 'An infinite number of monkeys will never write Hamlet, but one single chimpanzee can beat both Trump and Harris, just be having one hopeful policy.'


The 'infinite monkey theorem' is now to be replaced by 'one baboon hurling faeces'. The new theory attested that monkey-$hit thrown at the electorate, is more desirable than the US policy on Gaza. Futher to the study, it was discovered it only takes three mandrills to write Mrs Brown's Boys, twelve gibbons to star in Mrs Brown's Boys and one Howler Monkey to laugh at it. Ironically, it would take an infinite number of Donald Trumps to write one coherent Tweet.




bottom of page