Infinite number of monkeys fail to secure second book deal

Their agent said: 'The was a lot of initial excitement over their first publication, but that soon died down, once everyone realised the Complete Works of Shakespeare had already been done. The following book tour was criticised as being a disorderly mess, like a chimps' tea party - which is a bit harsh on the Mandrills in the group'.

One disillusioned monkey remarked: 'It took a while to get the creative juices flowing but once we discovered Grammarly we really kicked on. It make take an infinite number of years to write Hamlet but by the end of the first ten minutes we'd written everything by EL James and the last season of Game of Thrones.

'I'd go back to hurling faeces, but I hear Dan Brown's already done that'.

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Covid denier defiantly has sex with monkeys

After feeling vindicated by the success of Brexit and zero effects of Covid, Ron Jenkins of Clacton has taken to Facebook to announce that the "so-called Monkeypox is a fake".

Mr Jenkins went on. "This is the EU - now that the British market for bent bananas has been destroyed by the Brexit triumph, they've decided that monkeys have to take the blame. But I'm not falling for it, in fact I had vigorous 'relations' with Mr Cheeky last night and there's nothing wrong with me - I'm as normal as the next man, er, primate."

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