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Monkeys will never type Shakespeare but can become President

A peer-reviewed study has discovered that it would take longer than the life-span of the Universe to type Shakespeare, but less than three months for Donald Trump to become President again. A scientist explained: 'An infinite number of monkeys will never write Hamlet, but one single chimpanzee can beat both Trump and Harris, just be having one hopeful policy.'


The 'infinite monkey theorem' is now to be replaced by 'one baboon hurling faeces'. The new theory attested that monkey-$hit thrown at the electorate, is more desirable than the US policy on Gaza. Futher to the study, it was discovered it only takes three mandrills to write Mrs Brown's Boys, twelve gibbons to star in Mrs Brown's Boys and one Howler Monkey to laugh at it. Ironically, it would take an infinite number of Donald Trumps to write one coherent Tweet.




Monkeys demand free upgrade to Homo sapiens status


'We were amazed to find we share 97 percent of our genes with humans.' says a monkey spokesman. 'We had no idea. Here we were swinging from trees and picking nits out of each others' fur, not realising we're distantly related to the Royal Family.'


Zoology professor Peter Romilly says, 'Turning into humans has its advantages, such as getting to cover your genitals and being issued with a Social Security number. However, these lower primates really need to have more patience and not be so pushy. Normally it takes 2-3 million years to evolve upright posture and the ability to play video games". He also believes monkeys would have to go into hiding from religious fundamentalists if they start "flaunting evolution.'


Not all monkeys want to upgrade. 'I'd miss the carefree simian lifestyle, says one chimpanzee, 'just hanging out in the forest chattering and throwing our faeces at each other. And what about the bonobos - how would they manage to go on fornicating 24/7 if they turn into humans? They can't all be competitors on Love Island.'



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