McSweeney's phone stolen by Yeti

The disgraced Chief of Staff insisted that it would be impossible to recover, as it had been abducted by aliens, swallowed by the Loch Ness Monster and had dropped through a wormhole in space. The phone, which contained incriminating messages, was unavoidably unavailable and would remain so "if it knew what was good for it".

Cynics suggested McSweeney was covering up evidence, and that Yetis preferred Android devices to iPhones. Nevertheless, the phone is utterly gone, along with Lord Lucan's filofax and Amelia Earhart's fidget spinner.

Police blamed their failure to properly investigate, on pixies and their usual corruption. It does mean we may never properly know the truth of whether the Labour Government were a bunch of crooks or if they were a bunch of crooks with WhatsApp.

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Starmer appoints 'Kaa' Mandelson as his new chief of staff

"Following the resignation of Morgan McSweeney as the Prime Minister's chief of staff," said a Downing Street spokes-Mowgli, "Sir Keir has appointed Lord Peter Mandelson to replace him.

"Peter will bring a wealth of experience to the job as a backstage political operator and power broker.

"He has also promised us honestly and sincerely that he will never again crawl to very rich people and do them secret favours.

"Sir Keir 'Baloo' Starmer made the appointment this morning straight after Mandelson had fixed him with a hypnotic gaze and started to sing: 'Trust in me. Just in me. Shut your eyes and trust in me.'"

Lord Peter 'Kaa' Mandelson is 72 years old in snake years.

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Concern for all Dickensian-named Civil Servants after Morgan McSweeney is ousted

With the removal of Morgan McSweeney, it is not a good time to be a Dickensian named civil servant. Permanent Secretary Josiah Bounderby and Assistant Secretary Affery Flintwinch have been sidelined and rumours are that Anne Chickenstalker and Mortimer Lightwood are to be the next to go.

Lady Honoria Dedlock, despite her connections will be replaced and Horatio Pricklesnitch is expected to be forced into early retirement. Because of their association with a known Mandelson, Senior Principles Egbert

Pardiggle and Charity Pecksniff will also relinquish their roles. Obviously Wackford Squeers and Dick Swiveller are expected to go by the end of the week; they would just be a distraction at this point.

It looks like Tiny Tim Cratchit has kept his position, but maybe only till consumption eventually takes him.

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