Coming Soon: Stephen King’s Autumn Statement

Horror fans are eagerly awaiting the latest adaption by Stephen King, called ‘Autumn Statement’.

The film is a psychological thriller, in which an entire country is overcome by depression, gloom, despondency, and suicidal thoughts, all caused by a menacing and shape-shifting monster called the Autumn Statement.

Film critic and grossly overweight popcorn destroyer, Arthur Howse, is sure that the film will become a classic. ‘It scares the shit out of everyone. Young people trying to find somewhere to live or find a job. Young families who need childcare. Householders in big and expensive houses. Old people who need to eat, or keep warm. Farmers.  Motorists. This film scares all of them. I’ve seen it four times and I haven’t slept since.

‘The great trick is that the film threatens so many terrible things – bad things that will affect hospitals, banks, businesses, charities, sick people, healthy people, workers, students – everyone in fact. Hellfire, the Autumn Statement even threatens the dead – undermining their dying wishes and taxing them retrospectively, so that they can’t help their children and their dependents. It’s mental torture. And it’s brilliant stuff.

‘The tension is heightened because there is no way to fight the Autumn Statement. It’s a monstrous terror that lives in the shadows. It's everywhere.  It's all around you.  Everyone is talking about it, but no-one knows what to do.  If you think you can cope with one of its proposals, then two new terrifying ideas will immediately spring up to scare you rigid and keep you awake at night. The film promises you a slow and horrifying death, as your loved ones die around you from untreated illnesses, your possessions are slowly taken from you, you lose your job, all certainties about your future are undermined, and your money and assets are slowly drained away.

‘No one can defeat the Autumn Statement. There is no escape.

Editor's note: Autumn Statement is the fourth film in Stephen King’s ‘Black Economy’ franchise. The first three films are called Black Hole, National Insurance, and Winter Fuel Payment.  

Image credit: perchance AI

Netflix to abandon movie titles

Streaming behemoth Netflix is to stop giving its in house movies conventional titles.

‘We don’t need to,’ said an executive, ‘because we sell all of our movies on star power. In future, our movies will have descriptive titles like ‘Action Thriller with Sean Bean and Dame Kiri Te Kanawa’ or ‘Weepy Sob Story with Pierce Brosnan and Queen Latifah.’

‘Our subscribers know that our movie offerings are driven solely by the movie stars. We don’t care about the script, the plot, the cinematography or anything else. It’s the stars that sell the movies.  We can take any dumbass script, sign up some movie stars by waving a big cheque, and it's job done!  No offence to Thursday Murder Club, obviously.

‘Now we won’t have to think up movie titles, and we won’t need focus groups to fuss over them.

‘There is an exception to this new rule. We plan to retain conventional titles for franchise movies. We will swoop in on any half-decent franchise if the Hollywood studios show any sign of weakness. If anyone is going to do Fast and Furious 77 or Rocky 101, then it will be us. In those cases, we can dispense with the stars because the title will sell the movie.

‘Critics say that, once the stars have faded from everyone’s memory, we will end up with a back catalogue of unwatchable movies.  But we don’t care about that.  We can always rent them out to the cheapo streaming channels like U&Cry or U&MacGregor.  In the here and now, we need to sell more and more and more subscriptions until we’ve taken over the whole world, and crushed Apple TV into the dirt.’

Image: Tumisu - Pixabay

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Meanwhile, in an airplane over Gaza