Disappointed your MP isn't named in the Epstein Files?

Don't worry, there's still three million emails, photos, snuff movies and unused rushes from the Melania movie to be released yet.  And don't forget, most of the files released have swathes redacted, so your MP might feature in there already.  There's only 650 or so MPs at any given time, so plenty of opportunity for them to star more than once, probably not as often as Nige, though.  Mandy might look like a rank amateur by the time it's all finished.

What is to say your immediate or distant family don't feature in the unreleased bits?  That creepy uncle from Swansea, got to be a good chance.  Your cousin who disappeared while on holiday fifteen years ago - hate to be the bearer, but you can't rule it out.  But notoriety all the same, eh? Unless there's something you want to get off your chest - before the next release!

Ultimately it's probably best for the entire House of Commons to resign today.  House of Lords as well, obviously.  The Royal Family should really look at packing their bags and heading to the job centre.  Or the Maldives, whichever appeals the most.  And while they're at it, shouldn't you hang your head in shame, just in case?

image from pixabay

Clacton pub removes "MPs not welcome" sign

A pub in Clacton appears to have led the wave of pubs that are refusing to serve MPs.  Most of the recent pubs have specified Labour MPs, but some can't spell Labour so have left it a bit more generic. 

Most landlords quietly admit they wouldn't recognise their MP if he or she walked in anyway as the last election was over a year ago and they weren't in when the prospective candidates knocked on their front door.

It transpires that the initiative started in Clacton, nearly eighteen months ago.  The landlord hasn't changed his point of view but as nobody has seen their MP anywhere in Clacton since the election it seemed a waste of window space.

image from google gemini

Christmas Appeal

Could you help someone disadvantaged this Christmas? Your kindness could make a real difference.

Many MPs can't get by on their salaries and expenses alone. Freebie suits and dresses and spectacles are hard to come by these days. And the long term prospects for many MPs look grim. Have you seen the opinion polls?

Many MPs can't go back to their wives this Christmas, because of their challenging behaviour. Others can't use their second homes as they are being staked out by the paparazzi.

We are looking for people who could adopt an MP this Christmas. These people are often damaged, find it difficult to trust anyone, and have a creative relationship with the truth. They are anxious about political extremists on the left and the right, and are often paranoid or attention seeking, but feel powerless to help themselves. (Obviously, this doesn't stop them from helping themselves.)

Feeding an MP will ensure that they finally get a balanced diet and some vitamins. Caring for an MP could keep them off booze, fags and street drugs. Medical help could address their phobias, syndromes, STDs and incontinence . And a secure environment could protect them from internet trolls, social media, opposition MPs and their own party whips.

We must act now to protect democracy. You can help by adopting an MP. Please help. Send as much money as you can to Freepost Help an MP Christmas Fund, The Glass Large Jar By The Cigars, Stranger's Bar, House of Commons SW1.

Thank you.

image from google gemini