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Bieber sells his songs but your ears will continue to pay


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Industry experts were surprised that his back catalogue sold, and even more surprised that the new owners refused to set fire to it. Warned one such expert, 'It went for $200m, but who knows the true cost to our musical sensibilities. It's like listening to the layered harmonics of a sack of squealing of weasels.'


Likened to the voice of a small child, trapped inside the body of an even smaller child, Mr. Bieber is a firm favourite with teenage girls with low self esteem. His 290 songs will now be played on a continuous loop, until someone pays the ransom.


His manager remarked, 'Justin is flattered to be valued so highly and for another $100m he promises to stop.'


'Can we afford it?' asked one journalist.


'Can we afford not to?' asked the world.




Dad has been humming to himself for 6 hours straight


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A family is contemplating phoning the Guinness Book of Records after their Dad has managed six straight hours of non-stop humming.


“We think it might be a record” said his wife whilst practising stabbing motions. “He’s always been a hummer, a tapper and a fidgeter, but today seems exceptional. He started at 8am with Danny Boy, then moved onto a few dirges of his own composition. He’s currently doing Les Mis. I think – they never really sound much like the proper song”.


Childline has confirmed record levels of calls from children ‘driven crazy’ by paternal humming and drumming.


“Oh, don’t mention the bloody drumming”, said his wife, miming a straight-finger jab to the throat. “Air-drumming, drumming his thighs, tapping his toes – God only knows what music is playing inside his head”.


We asked the man for a comment but he just smiled sadly and hummed something which sounded a little like ‘Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word’. Then we stabbed him.



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