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Bieber sells his songs but your ears will continue to pay

Industry experts were surprised that his back catalogue sold, and even more surprised that the new owners refused to set fire to it. Warned one such expert, 'It went for $200m, but who knows the true cost to our musical sensibilities. It's like listening to the layered harmonics of a sack of squealing of weasels.'

Likened to the voice of a small child, trapped inside the body of an even smaller child, Mr. Bieber is a firm favourite with teenage girls with low self esteem. His 290 songs will now be played on a continuous loop, until someone pays the ransom.

His manager remarked, 'Justin is flattered to be valued so highly and for another $100m he promises to stop.'

'Can we afford it?' asked one journalist.

'Can we afford not to?' asked the world.

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