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Zahawi ‘feels foolish’ after failing to notice bags of gold strewn about his house



Conservative Party chairman and all-round good guy Nadhim Zahawi has spoken about his embarrassment over the ‘schoolboy errors’ which led him to pay several million less in tax than was due.


“To be honest, those bags of bullion have been lying around the house for ages”, he told reporters. “I remembered to count the jewels, the diamond mines, the various companies etc, but after a while you just tune out gold. I don’t know why. I suppose it’s just an everyday thing. Bloody hurts when you stub your toe on an ingot, that’s for sure!”


Mean-spirited Labour politicians have called for the former (checks notes) Chancellor of the Exchequer to resign, arguing that he really should have known, to the nearest million, how much he owed in taxes. Supporters of ‘regular guy’ Zahawi have pointed out that funnelling shares to offshore tax havens isn’t illegal unless you get caught.


Mr Zahawi is philosophical about the additional payments to HMRC. "I can just turn up the thermostat on my stables and recoup any losses that way", he explained.





First published 23 Jan 2022


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Beachcomber Farage delighted with haul of washed up Tories


'I come down here every day to pick up any piece of flotsam lying about which might be of use to me," Nigel Farage told reporters at a press conference on the beach at Clacton, carrying a bucket and a litter-picking stick.


'It's really quite amazing, the stuff you can find washed up on thr shore which was swept overboard from the sinking Tory ship.


'I've found a bedraggled Nadine Dorries and an oil-soaked Lee Anderson, and earlier this year I picked up a semi-comatose Danny Kruger which I've been trying to coax back to life.


'And, just this week, I stumbled across a beachcomber's dream - a 2018 vintage Nadhim Zahawi. I bet you'd forgotten they made those, hadn't you?


'I'm going to scrape the rust off it, hammer out the dents, and try to sell it to you as new.


'And just remember - all these specimens might look like political rejects who were nothing short of a joke when they were in government. But now they're getting hosed down and flogged as the fresh and exciting Reform government of the future.


'Now excuse me while I go and look for a half-drowned Matt Hancock."

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