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Tug of war over Dorries & Sharma



Following the Commons' win over the House of Lords in the tug of war for Nadine Dorries and Alok Sharma, all the major bookmakers are now taking bets on similar contests taking place for control of the Tory party.


Our parliamentary sports correspondent reports that it's going to be a difficult one to call as so many Tories are fat bastards and it's likely to depend on which teams have to pick lightweights like Rishi Sunak and Jacob Rees Mogg.


An aide said 'Some of them find it as humiliating as they were last to be picked, for teams at school. They are so vain, they imagine they'll be among the first to get picked, or their friends will feel duty bound to pick them, forgetting that membership of the Tory party eliminates them from having real friends.'


Surgeons remove Hancock from Hancock’s butt


In a medical breakthrough that gives hope to hundreds of politicians with heads up their butts, surgeons have successfully removed a former health secretary from his rear end. The procedure was a medical first, showing light at the end of the tunnel for the entire front bench. Medical experts say the procedure was also used to remove a turnip from Therese Coffey, and Nadine Dorries from Boris Johnson.


Mr Hancock said: ‘Having one’s head stuck up one’s butt is stressful and debilitating, but it wasn’t actually my fault. It was shoved-up there by circumstances beyond my control. I can honestly say, with hand on heart, that I stuck my head up my butt to raise awareness of dyslexia.’




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