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Tug of war over Dorries & Sharma

Following the Commons' win over the House of Lords in the tug of war for Nadine Dorries and Alok Sharma, all the major bookmakers are now taking bets on similar contests taking place for control of the Tory party.

Our parliamentary sports correspondent reports that it's going to be a difficult one to call as so many Tories are fat bastards and it's likely to depend on which teams have to pick lightweights like Rishi Sunak and Jacob Rees Mogg.

An aide said 'Some of them find it as humiliating as they were last to be picked, for teams at school. They are so vain, they imagine they'll be among the first to get picked, or their friends will feel duty bound to pick them, forgetting that membership of the Tory party eliminates them from having real friends.'

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