Boris Johnson joins GB News to front Brexit lullaby hour

Boris Johnson has lurched into sight again by announcing he will be joining the GB News lineup. What is more interesting is the show he will be fronting: The Brexit Lullaby Hour.

The show has been described as “A warm bath of reassurance and mutual Brexit appreciation”. Shouting the show, Mr Johnson will go through the “many” Brexit advantages we have gained since leaving the European Union. He will also have an ASMR section where he will whisper, in his unique pound shop Churchill tones, various platitudes such as “soon we will be at the sunlit uplands”, “blue passports” and “up yours Delors”.

Guests will include Nigel Farage, where it is rumoured he will duet with the song “islands in the stream” Richard Tice for a wrestling match and Nadine Dorries for a weekly fantasy book club feature.

Nadine Dorries inadvertently talks sense; rift in space-time continuum ‘inevitable’

Earth is bracing itself for an invasion of Daleks and/or Cybermen after Nadine Dorries issued a tweet about the Conservative Party Conference which experts described as “quite sane”.

‘Nadine’s tweet about the country and the Conservative Party being “ . . . a total, utter, chaotic mess” doesn’t have a scientific explanation’, a scientist said. ‘Everything else she tweets is batshit crazy. A sane person can go mad, but for Nadine to suddenly become sane – it’s like separating purple paint back into red and blue. It just doesn’t happen spontaneously. We fear that one of the laws of thermodynamics, you know, the weird one, might have been broken’.

Scientists fear that the sudden lurch into coherence might be a step too far for the universe, resulting in a portal opening up like in a Doctor Who episode, though for balance we should point out that NewsBiscuit gets its scientists from the same agency that GB News uses. They’re quite suggestible if the money’s right.

One possibility is that Dorries was sober when she tweeted about the Conservative Party conference. If so, it raises the intriguing – and heartbreaking – possibility that there’s a real, human, insightful person trapped within that shell – rather like a Dalek or Cyberman, really.

image from pixabay

Penny Mordaunt and Nadine Dorries scrap after Conservative Conference meat raffle turns nasty

‘I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to have a meat raffle’, one delegate told us, ‘but I don’t think Nadine will be the same after that. Penny’s quite hard, isn’t she?’

The two politicians both claimed the winning ticket for the top prize of a hamper of meat. The idea for the raffle had come from a focus group which had been asked to suggest some “fun, Northern things to do in Manchester” – and in fairness, “catfight between two drunk MILFs” had been second on the list. However, the event organisation had been left to the intern who runs the Conservative Party’s Twitter feed, so it was, predictably, an abortion.

‘Didn’t stand a chance’, one conference-goer told us. ‘Penny’s got forearms like a docker. Language to match. Nadine talks a good game but she’d taken on a bit too much refreshment – well, it was after midday – and her coordination was off’.

Both women have been offered contracts by PornHub.

Image: TENLEAF - Pixabay

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