Tories will solve housing crisis by enforced marriage

In the absence of any other policies, the Conservative Party has jumped on an idea that came up when Nadine Dorries visited a singles bar in Liverpool, ostensibly for research purposes; and discovered that 32.7% of the Liverpool population were there in the hope of finding a partner.

After telling a bachelor spad he ought to 'ger yerself up there', the point was raised that all these singletons are occupying homes that two people could probably inhabit, so the notion of compulsory marriage was developed and may appear in the Conservative Party Manifesto.

Willian Nomates, the bachelor chairman of the Godalming Conservative Association told Newsbiscuit he thought the idea was an excellent one and said he is looking forward to the day he will have someone accompany him to the club’s dinner and dances, hoping his enforced partner will be happy going Dutch.

A number of Tory MPs are unhappy about the idea though, as it would lead to a reduction in their rental income.

Image: Newsbiscuit

Nadine's wish finally comes true: she is made a dame

Get fired or die tryin’ – the Suella story

Home Secretary Suella Braverman doesn’t want any of the blame for the rogering the Tories will presumably receive at the next General Election. Therefore she has been putting in the hard yards, trying to get sacked, with the ultimate aim of assuming the Iron Throne.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Last year, Suella forced herself out before Liz Truss did, and Liz Truss was outlasted by a lettuce. This year she’s got to push even harder. So let’s have homeless people fight to the death for the last ticket to Rwanda, then incite a far right riot on Remembrance Day. She also tried blowing cigar smoke directly in Rishi’s face, but he just asked her not to, with all the authority of a sobbing supply teacher, locked inside a cupboard by his pupils. Next time, she’ll stub out the cigar directly on his face.'

'It’s almost like the PM only keeps her around to make himself look less insane by comparison.'

Braverman is thought to be workshopping some names for the political brand she will eventually lead, but focus group member Ian Ingram felt that the options in front of him lacked quality.

'They were worse than a Nadine Dorries novel. The "Great Britain First" or "Great British National Party" options - so much to unpack there, especially if you live in Northern Ireland. "Woke is a National (Af)Front" – that’s a real zinger. By this point Suella Braverman has blown so many dog whistles, she’s surrounded by an increasingly large pile of dog shit. Great British bulldog shit, obviously.'

Termination Cease And Desist - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

NewsBiscuit Home