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ECB to clamp down down players having a life.


The England and Wales Cricket Board are looking to recruit a team of carers to look after the England men’s squad.


The duties of the carers will include tucking the players up in bed at 11 pm, all year round, and locking the door to their room from the outside in order to keep them in check. They may read them a bedtime story if requested to do so. Should any player manage to get out of the locked room, tasering is a possibility.


Said an ECB Spokesman, who didn’t want to be named after the week he’s had, and because no-one likes a posh twat,


‘It’s quite unacceptable for England cricketers, especially the captain, to want a life outside of cricket. Going out after a victory and getting attacked by a rugby thug is totally unbecoming of any professional sportsperson, and it’s just not cricket. One meets all sorts of reprobates, not just rugger players, at that time of night.'


Phase two of the crackdown is thought to be a potential ban on any contact with their families at any time during the English season or on tour, and no pudding if they don’t eat their greens, though the spokesman refused to comment on this.

Cockney MP leads Lambeth walk in Parliament


Following similar incidents in New Zealand, where MPs of Māori heritage have initiated the Haka in that country’s parliament in protest at proposed legislation, cockney MP Steve Geezer has asserted his right to perform the Lambeth walk in the House of Commons.


Geezer, who represents the constituency of Barking and Shithole, said that to deny him this right would show a lack of respect for the traditions and customs of cockneys.


The Speaker of the House, whilst pointing out that the traditional war declaration of the Māoris and a song and dance number written for a musical in 1937 weren’t quite the same thing, nevertheless said he was minded to allow it as it “should be quite funny for the rest of us”.


Geezer then rounded up the members for Havering, Newham and Dagenham and together, with their thumbs tucked into their braces, they strutted around to a Chas’n’Dave style accompaniment provided by a busker they found outside Westminster tube station.


Once he’d stopped laughing, the Speaker asked what if anything the cockney MPs were protesting about.


”Er… dunno really.. immigration I spose. They come over ‘ere, livin’ on benefits… no wonder there’s never any benefits left for my constituents.”





New Zealand to create Hobbit ethnostate

Emboldened by the success of other genocidal maniacs, Halflings have decided to segregate New Zealand between those who get second breakfast and those that don’t. These little settlers have evicted rabbits from their holes and renamed the country Greater Shire.


Hobbits assert that New Zealand is their spiritual home, despite their European origins, and insist that ordinary bigfolk be purged. Pipe-smoking and gardening will be available to everyone, provided they are shorter than four foot and have hairy feet. When asked why they were killing innocent women and children, the hobbits claimed that Gandalf made them do it.


The US vetoed any attempt to block the hobbits and condemned the International Crimes Court for suggesting that hobbits were in the pay of Sauron. The US ambassador said: ‘It is anti-halfling to criticise the Greater Shire and they have every right to turn Gondor into a mole hill’. When asked, Smaug said: ‘I warned you.’




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