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Countries rush to name infrastructure after history’s most controversial figures


Following New Zealand’s decision to name one of its new Cook Strait ferries after Captain Cook, governments around the world have begun honouring increasingly awkward historical figures.


Mongolia has unveiled Genghis Khan Maternity Hospital, describing him as “a man who fathered an astonishing number of descendants.”


Germany has denied reports it is opening Adolf Hitler Airport, insisting the leaked plans actually referred to “Terminal Nein.”


Belgium has announced the King Leopold II Children’s Adventure Park, while France is pressing ahead with the Robespierre Head & Neck Clinic.


Officials say the aim is to recognise “the full complexity of history”, adding that plans for Pol Pot Garden Centre and Ivan the Terrible Customer Service Centre are “still under consultation.”



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ECB to clamp down down players having a life.


The England and Wales Cricket Board are looking to recruit a team of carers to look after the England men’s squad.


The duties of the carers will include tucking the players up in bed at 11 pm, all year round, and locking the door to their room from the outside in order to keep them in check. They may read them a bedtime story if requested to do so. Should any player manage to get out of the locked room, tasering is a possibility.


Said an ECB Spokesman, who didn’t want to be named after the week he’s had, and because no-one likes a posh twat,


‘It’s quite unacceptable for England cricketers, especially the captain, to want a life outside of cricket. Going out after a victory and getting attacked by a rugby thug is totally unbecoming of any professional sportsperson, and it’s just not cricket. One meets all sorts of reprobates, not just rugger players, at that time of night.'


Phase two of the crackdown is thought to be a potential ban on any contact with their families at any time during the English season or on tour, and no pudding if they don’t eat their greens, though the spokesman refused to comment on this.

Cockney MP leads Lambeth walk in Parliament


Following similar incidents in New Zealand, where MPs of Māori heritage have initiated the Haka in that country’s parliament in protest at proposed legislation, cockney MP Steve Geezer has asserted his right to perform the Lambeth walk in the House of Commons.


Geezer, who represents the constituency of Barking and Shithole, said that to deny him this right would show a lack of respect for the traditions and customs of cockneys.


The Speaker of the House, whilst pointing out that the traditional war declaration of the Māoris and a song and dance number written for a musical in 1937 weren’t quite the same thing, nevertheless said he was minded to allow it as it “should be quite funny for the rest of us”.


Geezer then rounded up the members for Havering, Newham and Dagenham and together, with their thumbs tucked into their braces, they strutted around to a Chas’n’Dave style accompaniment provided by a busker they found outside Westminster tube station.


Once he’d stopped laughing, the Speaker asked what if anything the cockney MPs were protesting about.


”Er… dunno really.. immigration I spose. They come over ‘ere, livin’ on benefits… no wonder there’s never any benefits left for my constituents.”





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