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Times newspaper cancels itself



In a move widely acknowledged as the silliest thing since Jacob Rees-Mogg tried to get all metric units arrested for being gay, The Times newspaper editorial has pulled a story so exclusive that only a couple of other publications had already run it.


A spokes-snitch for the Times explained for twenty pence and half a packet of Rothmans, 'In their infinite wisdom, they forgot how print newspapers work. Turns out it's not as easy as just hitting a delete key and having all the printed copies they've shipped nationwide remove one specific bit of themselves.


'Seems like they forgot whose side they were on for a moment as well. They pulled a naff piece about how Bojo had tried to get his bit of stuff a cushy job on the sly, and stuck something well more important in its place. People have got to know that all European judges are racist, right? They're probably lesbians as well.


'But it's not gonna cut the mustard is it? They've already shown themselves right up there. Going all snowflake balanced for a moment, but getting it wrong like that flippin' Labour opposition who keep buggering up the whole country. You can't recover from that. So there's nothing else for it... they're gonna have to cancel themselves.'




First published 21 Jun 2022


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Get ready for the Mandelson Marathon


It's one of the greatest tests of endurance known to humankind and will leave even the keenest followers of the news wondering why the hell they bother.


Yes! It's the Mandelson Marathon - a low-voltage scandal involving some dusty old political has-been from the Blair years and a handful of crashingly dull senior civil servants which is, unfortunately, set to run and run around the Westminster village.


'After a week of hearing Starmer making hours-long statements about who said what at precisely what time in the afternoon, and talking about the fine print of security vetting rules, you will all be finding life achingly dull," said one Fleet Street newspaper editor who is organising the event.


'After a month, you will be screaming for a rest, as in: 'For pity's sake, just give it a rest!


"The winner of the Mandelson Marathon will be the one newspaper reader in Britain who is still remotely interested in any of this by the time the story finally collapses of exhaustion... in about three year's time.


"Good luck, everyone!'

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