Streeting: Unemployed to be given Brazilian Butt Lift

Following on from the weight loss jab, the unemployed will also be given their own personal butt-cushion to aid with office work.

A Health Spokesman declared: ‘The greatest barrier to people rejoined the workplace, is the lack of appropriate furniture. A good butt augmentation will mean comfortable seating, a really big gluteal Implant means we can do away with the chair altogether. We want the unemployed to get off their ar$e, so they can get back on their ar$Ee. Ideally the perfect employee will be skinny, with an enormous butt and lip fillers – so they can kiss ar$e.

‘And If you are serious about your job, we suggest you also consider breast augmentation – regardless of if you are male or female -because, without a desk, you will need somewhere to rest your keyboard.’

Joined up government thinking

It’s not a fat tax, it’s a Wellness Allowance

Rumours about the autumn budget continue to swirl around, each one madder than the one before.  It’s hard to figure out what’s what.  Here’s the latest from the rumour mill.

Commentators, by which we mean people who leak stuff to us, are now suggesting that the budget could include an additional tax allowance for heathy people.

Governments have always been reluctant to bring in a fat tax, because taxing food is a slightly tricky move.   Actually, lots of food is already taxed. Cakes, chocolate, fizzy drinks are all subject to VAT, for example, whereas turnips, sprouts and offal aren’t.   Basically, VAT is charged on anything that is nice to eat.

The new tax break, provisionally called a wellness allowance, will allow any taxpayer with a BMI in the normal range to reduce their income tax bill.   If they send in a doctor’s certificate confirming their BMI, then the HMRC will grant the new allowance for the current tax year.

A spokesman said, ‘The wellness allowance is not a fat tax, it’s a benefit that is available to people who look after their weight. It’s not a sugar tax, or a meat tax, or a pasty tax, or a carpet tax, or any other nonsense.  It’s a wellness benefit.   This is positive reinforcement for good behaviour and will help to reduce the burden on the NHS.  I don't want to read anything about the Nanny State when you write this up.

‘People will naturally worry about the cost of this benefit, against the backdrop of a £40bn tax raid this year.  Let me reassure you that the paperwork involved, and difficulty of getting a GP appointment, will mean that almost nobody will be able to claim the allowance.   If anyone manage to claim it for one year, they probably won’t bother again for the next year.  So the government will get the credit for doing a Good Thing at minimal cost. It’s genius.’

Image: Pixabay/stevepb