Nation plunged into crisis as tens of ribbons may go uncut

A wealthy old chap who jumped a queue of 6 million commoners awaiting life saving medical attention has been diagnosed as probably having overdone it on the swan.

All people qualified in medicine have immediately dashed to his attention, because everything he does is so crucially important. 'Imagine the chaos without a rich old gent pointing at things and mumbling vaguely positive appreciation,' screamed a panicking patriot.

When told who might have to take over duties, the patriot removed their own head and placed it on a spike.

Daily Express shares rose 5,000% on the back of a guaranteed 15 news cycles of wall-to-wall panic-inducing speculation, and all crockery production machinery has been instantly retooled to cover emergency production of inflamed prostate mugs.

A US commentator allayed State-side fears by pointing out, 'Americans aren't so dumb as to have an old white man as their leader.'

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GPs urged to put 'drink poison' advice on their surgery answerphones

'You should realise that the GPs in our ranks are seriously overworked,' said a spokes-enema for the Brutish Medical Association.

'They are swamped by a backlog of millions of pesky patients demanding attention for their aches, their pains and their early warning signs of cancer.

'As an offshoot of the British Medical Association, which treats healthcare provision with the callous bluntness that's needed, we are advising family doctors to record messages on their surgery answerphones advising patients to drink poison rather than making pains of themselves outside working hours.

'It stands to reason, really. Whatever illnesses you patients are moaning about will either have disappeared within the three months or so that it takes to see your GPs, or they will have become so acute that you will probably die from them.

'So you will be doing yourselves, your fellow taxpayers and the entire medical establishment a favour if you skip all the intermediate fuss and clock out early.

'Just listen to the sensible advice on your GP practice's answerphone and drink some poison. After all, what do you all really think you have to live for?'

Image: stablediffusionweb.com

Pharmacies in England begin treating patients for common conditions