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Emergency NHS planning in chaos after the army decide to camouflage ambulances


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The injured, dead and dying were forced to take taxis and e-scooters to hospital A & E units today after thousands of ambulances went missing.


Army personnel were due to replace the usual good-for-nothing NHS striking shirkers, but after jumping into the vehicles, they’ve not been seen since.


Brigadier Sir Marmaduke “Squiffy” Squiffers, the head of the army, has admitted that his chaps have “rather gone over the top with this jolly.” Twiddling his impressive handlebar moustache he added: “Intelligence has intercepted coded messages confirming that our chaps assumed Putin had invaded. That’s why they took immediate tactical measures to safeguard the ambulance fleet. Never fear; they are out there somewhere.”


Reports suggest that several ambulances have been spotted in the North Libyan desert. The SAS is alleged to have hijacked dozens of vehicles and installed machine guns on the roof for safe operation behind enemy picket lines.



image from pixabay

NHS to use laughter as the next best medicine


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Laugh yourself healthy.


An absence of funding, preparation, foresight, and Oxford commas has led to a severe shortage of medicine stocks within the NHS. The Health Secretary and grannyslayer Steve Barclay has urged healthcare professionals to bring in Christmas cracker jokes early and use them as cures for everything from herpes to severed spines.


'We don't know how many have died not laughing,' said Dr Sherman Heritage from the Surrey Healthcare and Impalas Trust, 'but we played a Christmas special of Mrs Brown's Boys in the ICU and that opened up 14 much needed beds immediately.'


A government deal with the TV channel Comedy Central has been described as NHS privatisation by stealth. This is, however, not the case at all as the government is far too incompetent and leaky to conduct anything stealthily.


[Hat tip to modelmaker]



Nye Bevan clones ‘almost ready to resurrect Labour’


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It’s the scientific breakthrough of the century. DNA harvested from Nye Bevan’s toothbrush has been used to clone the great man dozens of times. A coal mine has been secretly reopened in South Wales to give the young clones a suitably grim start in life. Four of the clones died in a hush-hush pit disaster which ‘thrilled’ Labour leaders.


“For a generation, Labour has been weakened by the middle classes hoovering up most of the top jobs” a spokesman told us. “We have plenty of poor people but it turns out that poverty alone isn’t enough – you need brains, heart, charisma. And, ideally, a bit of four-part close harmony singing”.


Labour HQ got the idea after watching The Boys From Brazil. “We wanted to recapture Labour’s lost soul”, the spokesman told us. “Or at least locate it”.


It isn’t the first time that movies have provided inspiration. Keir Starmer was created after a screening of Edward Scissorhands. “The technology just isn’t ready”, sighed the spokesman. “It’s a pretty good replica human with lifelike movements and speech patterns, but no heart. Also the charging regime means we have to stand him in the corner for six hours every night, humming away. I have nightmares of him running out of juice during Prime Minister’s Questions – not that anybody would notice”.


Conservative HQ has its own history with cinema. Their screening of ‘Wall Street’ in the 1980s became the template for the party’s economic policies, and more recently CCHQ staffers ‘bitterly regret’ allowing Suella Braverman to stay up and watch ‘Alien’.




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