top of page
Search

Give generously to Farage's non-charity for Tory strays


"I am not running a rescue charity for abandoned Conservative MPs," declared Nigel Farage, slinging an emergency dollop of Winalot into a bowl for Robert Jenrick at his Home for Stray Tories in Battersea. Just because I've taken in every cast-off Conservative cur dumped in our doorstep so far, from Rottweiller Anderson to Doberman Dorries, doesn't mean I'll be so soft-hearted in the future.


"They're costing me a fortune in worming pills, besides anything else. So I'm making this threat to the UK electorate: if you want to see your ex-Tory MP alive and well in the House of Commons ever again, you'll text 0800-SAVEMUTTLEY and make a generous donation.


"£20 will buy Lee a pair of knuckle dusters, £30 will buy a muzzle for Rupert Lowe, £40 will buy Nadine a peerage, and £100 will buy Jenrick the Mongrel an ounce of integrity. And I'm also making this warning," continued Farage, grooming the fur of a miserable looking Kruger Spaniel.


"Any other destitute Tory planning to crawl along to the rescue centre that I totally don't run better hurry, hurry, hurry! That's because from 8 May, I'll be closing my doors to all further down and outs. I tell you this: Any Conservative MPs offering to hand over their seats to Reform on 9 May will definitely be turned away.


"And if you believe that, you'll believe anything."




ITV unveils "Reform Island" as hot new reality show


"Our plan is to round up every Reform MP and local councillor, plus every other turncoat, defector and political has-been who has crawled into their ranks," said an ITV spokes-cathode tube, "and maroon them on an island to live in their natural environment. 


"Here, there'll no political policy considered too despicable, or any act of treachery considered too vile. Journalists will be frog-marched into a never-ending press conference with Nigel Farage and the first one to stop taking notes will be shot where he sits.


"Rule One on Reform Island is that Nigel never, ever stops getting attention.  


"Unlike Love Island, it won't be set on a lovely tropical island with palm trees and beaches," said the spokes-Kalashnikov. "but on one of those really grim, sodden outcrops in the Thames Estuary. 


"So why do we think this show will get top ratings? Simply because, like Love Island, everyone will be watching to see who amongst these treacherous cads gets to screw who."




Jenrick just missed his besties


While many are accusing Robert Jenrick of blatant opportunism, a trait almost unheard of (outside of the Tories), the truth is that he is missing his besties.  Politics is a lonely profession, especially when the politician is a c@nt, but Jenrick being Jenrick it seems he has issues with forming bonds outside of planning permission scams, allegedly.


He misses Mad Nad dearly, obviously, and who wouldn't want to meet up with Johnathan Gullis and Andrea Jenkins?  Don't be shy.  OK, consider that rhetorical.  And while you're at the bar, don't forget to buy 30p Lee a pint while he explains how anyone not on expenses can survive on a pound a week. Danny Kruger will bring the cakes, obviously, and then, with luck Liz Truss will complete the party by bringing salad components.  Hopefully they will last longer this time.


Don't berate Honest Bob, treat him with sympathy, he's been lonely on the benches.  Unloved and unwanted.  Hopefully good practise for the next few years then.

bottom of page