Reform Ltd to encourage Grift Aid

Subscribers to the hate outlet store that doubles as one of Nigel Farage's pensions have decided that MBHA (Making Britain Hate Again) is essentially a charity, not a political movement.

'Sure, we have political leanings,' said a spokesman for Reform Ltd today, 'but we clearly don't take that part seriously.  Check out Nigel's surgeries in Clacton, for example.  Or his appearances in Parliament.  We exist to ensure Nigel has enough money to put food on the table - his table , definitely not your average or sub-average Reform voter's table - and to ensure he can retire whenever the situation looks like he might have to work for a living.

'We're looking at changing the registration for Reform to achieve charity status - with one beneficiary.  Our Nige, may he rest in tax haven.

'So, when you renew your Reform membership, if you are a UK tax payer (major donors can ignore this bit, obvs), please tick the Grift Aid box and we'll ensure that the taxpayer adds 25% to your donation.

image from pixabay

Farage to be given advance notice of atrocities

Nigel Farage has demanded that terror organisations give him some notice before major atrocities so he can arrange to be near a camera. The Pound Shop Messiah has had a difficult few months, with an unexplained £900k house and an only-too-well-explained 10 year sentence for his top man in Wales.

‘We can’t have nosy journalists asking Nigel about his colleague working for Russia or a potentially dodgy house deal’, a spokesman explained. ‘So he’s been staying away lately. We’re down to councillors representing Reform on TV now. It was either that or Lee Anderson, and we had to reimburse the Beeb for all the crayons he ate last time’.

Reform strategists would like to keep Nigel Farage out of view until they can find a distraction, so the Bondi Beach attack was particularly poor timing.

‘Of course Nigel made a statement’, the spokesman said. ‘He loves a good terror attack. Bit of a shame that the hero of the hour was called Ahmed – we were hoping for somebody a bit . . . whiter - but still – them bloody Muslims, eh?’

Australian police are investigating all angles, including an unconfirmed rumour that the terrorists might have developed antisemitic feelings at Dulwich College, which reportedly educated a notorious antisemite in the 1970s.

image from Grok

Reform receive enough bricks in the post to build a new HQ

The limited company masquerading as a political party, Reform UK, have announced an interesting side effect of their latest marketing campaign; enough bricks sent back via their freepost envelope to build an entirely new headquarters.

At a press conference, head of recruitment Jack Boots elaborated on the plan, telling reporters, 'It's been a great success. We expected to get people's personal information so that we could sell it on for profit to supportive media like the Daily Telegraph, or to any flag manufacturers. However, what's actually happened is people sending us building materials like bricks, gravel, and concrete. Once we'd sorted those from the glitter and potential anthrax, we found we've got enough for an office near Tufton Street, saving on journeys to receive our orders, I mean requests from ordinary hard-working alarm-clock Britons. We've had clearance to build on a brownfield site, and already had a surge of volunteers eager to help. To be fair, some had got confused over what brownfield meant, and we did have to refer a few of the people who misunderstood to the Police.'

Showing attendees plans for the new edifice, Boots explained the goal behind the aesthetic. 'It's harking back to classic London,' he remarked, 'but with modern provisions. We've added a direct tunnel to the Savoy to avoid embarrassing moments where Nigel's been caught walking to restaurants for an oyster lunch rather than being in Westminster to do mundane things like work or vote on behalf of his constituents. Also, while we've tried to keep a Georgian look, the building is made with modern regulations in mind. We were struggling with insulation, but we're able to fill the cavity wall with wattle and daub because as well as the bricks, we've received enough excrement in the post to make that possible.'

Image credit: Stable Diffusion