Nigel Farage | NewsBiscuit 7/0

Farage rules out standing in Farage by-election

apepper
Jul 11

Nigel Farage has ruled out standing in the Clacton by-election. Labelling the election a "circus" Mr Farage said that this was merely an attempt to change the subject and he, for one, would not stand for it.

Clacton

"This is simply a rather embarrassing way of trying to divert interest away from parliamentary investigations into my finances. I am completely innocent, when George Cottrell handed me a bag marked 'swag' and asked me to keep it safe for him, I simply did him a favour as a friend. So, I have decided this by-election is not one I want to be associated with. Besides that, Clacton's a dump."

image by Grok

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A conversation that took place in Westminster

ModelMaker
Jul 11

Reform accuses Count Binface of 'not being a real bin'

Sully
Jul 10

Private investigators working for Reform UK Ltd claim to have 'conclusive proof' that Count Binface isn't a genuine space-travelling dustbin.

'We know a LOT about rubbish here at Reform', a spokesnazi told us 'and that bin is definitely upside down. It's such a basic error we're surprised the rest of you hadn't spotted it'.

It has been suggested that Binface might actually have a university degree, making him a 'public enemy' in the eyes of Reform's leaders, who plan to cancel qualifications higher than GCSE for 'personal reasons'.

Clacton resident Pete Lighthead was unsurprised. 'I bloody knew it! I told my Maureen, didn't I? I said he's not a real bin. He's too shiny. I'm starting to doubt whether he's an actual Count'.

image by Google Gemini

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