Andrew to stand as Reform UK by-election candidate

'Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor is an arrogant, obnoxious, feckless, ignorant failure who has a gripe against the world,' said a spokes-skunk for Reform UK.

'We're asking ourselves why we never spotted before how perfectly he'd fit into our party.

'Like Zahawi, Dorries and the rest of the flotsam which has washed up with us, Andrew has done sod all good for anyone in his life, and blames everyone from the government to the media for bringing him down when he is entirely the author of his own misfortunes.

'This is why we're putting up Andrew forthwith as Reform UK candidate in the Gorton and Denton by-election next Thursday.

'He'll be electoral catnip for the tens of thousands of voters in the constituency who are themselves ill-educated, disagreeable, irresponsible, self-destructive failures eaten up by resentment.

Why shouldn't people like that be represented in Parliament by one of their own kind? They are also human,' said the spokes-swine.

'Well, sort of human.'

Image: Wix AI

NewsBiscuit Car Review: The F-Rage (Independent supplier)

Just appalling.

This appears to be a one-off vanity project which is more of a concept rather than a practical solution to peoples actual needs. It runs badly, struggles in any condition apart from its own carefully crafted environment where it can do no wrong.

The F-Rage is meant to imply aggression and power but instead looks dated and is clearly a compensation vehicle.

The company itself has changed names several times, which doesn’t exactly scream reliability. The sales splurge made many promises, and it has failed to meet any practically. Some of the internals are purchased through Russian suppliers which should be a massive concern.

As for aesthetics, it is clearly references the older times, unfortunately taking the worst aspects of it. It does get positive reviews from people who believe the publicity and don’t really look at the details and its poor performance, and might do well because of that. It does not meet EU safety and environmental regulations and weirdly takes some sort of pride in not doing so. It would be a nightmare to run in London, more suited to rolling up a gravel drive and belching out filth.

Despite the promises of unbelievable performance, the figures indicate it will be uneconomical and end up breaking apart. Fixing it is practically impossible, it is mainly made up from used, broken scraps that are already past their time.

Because of single bloody mindedness, there will be no European version, the user must be sat to the right no matter how dangerous that may be.

Pros

A great talking point

Easily identifies the gullible

Cons

Rather than separate cons, it is just one big one.

An absolute menace with no redeeming features.

Image: Author's own

Churchwardens struggling to keep Reform afloat

As news broke today that a part-time Churchwarden from Potters Bar has funnelled £200,000 into Reform in the last six months, the Churchwarden has spoken about the strain of finding the money to keep Reform UK Ltd afloat out of his non-existent salary.

'Nigel suggested it would be easy,' he said. 'After all, the Reform leader's girlfriend had managed to find nearly £1 million pounds to buy a house near Clacton, despite not having an income of any note.  I do some conveyancing,' he added, 'but I didn't get the Clacton gig.  'That would have made the donations so much easier.'

The Churchwarden is expected to make up some of the shortfall by advising on architectural landscaping, a subject he doesn't have any experience of.  'Apparently some foreign billionaire wants me to act as a consultant as long as I use the fee to help Reform out,' he said.

A Reform spokesman said Dear Leader would be able to help out with fundraising, if needed. 'He could arrange flowers on the occasional Sunday, as long as a photo-op was included.  And, of course, payment.  In crypto.' 

Image credit: perchance.org