ECB to clamp down down players having a life.

The England and Wales Cricket Board are looking to recruit a team of carers to look after the England men’s squad.

The duties of the carers will include tucking the players up in bed at 11 pm, all year round, and locking the door to their room from the outside in order to keep them in check. They may read them a bedtime story if requested to do so. Should any player manage to get out of the locked room, tasering is a possibility.

Said an ECB Spokesman, who didn’t want to be named after the week he’s had, and because no-one likes a posh twat,

‘It’s quite unacceptable for England cricketers, especially the captain, to want a life outside of cricket. Going out after a victory and getting attacked by a rugby thug is totally unbecoming of any professional sportsperson, and it’s just not cricket. One meets all sorts of reprobates, not just rugger players, at that time of night.'

Phase two of the crackdown is thought to be a potential ban on any contact with their families at any time during the English season or on tour, and no pudding if they don’t eat their greens, though the spokesman refused to comment on this.

Doormen shortage Latest: 'Your name's on the list, we're begging you to come in'

With shortages everywhere, and the government fooling no one in its attempt to deny this has anything to do with Brexit, comes news of the latest dearth. There aren't enough doormen to go round.

The British Association of Dives (BAD), has requested special measures be implemented to allow Skinheads from Eastern Europe to be given work visas, permitting them to come to Britain and knock some heads together in the busy run up to Christmas.

However, it's understood as many as 4,000 people are needed to train as new "Bouncers" to help tackle the skill shortage effectively. Therefore, other avenues are also being pursed to protect the industry in the long-term.

A government spokesman commented. 'We aren't unsympathetic to this, and to those ends to take up some of the slack, we're sending out one hundred thousand letters to ex- convicts who've done a bit of time for GBH.'

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Proof of not being Michael Gove now required for entry to Scottish nightclubs

From 1st October anyone who wishes to go to a nightclub in Scotland will be refused entry unless they can provide compelling evidence that there isn’t the slightest risk of them being Michael Gove.

This new regulation will grant nightclub staff the power to prevent anyone from trying to barge in for free under the guise of being the Chancellor of Duchy of Lancaster or other such made up sounding jobs. As an added safety precaution, bouncers will also be required to immediately eject any high-risk revellers, preferably by force, from the premises who are seen dad dancing in an ill-fitting suit to hardcore Jungle music.

If these measures are strictly implemented by all nightclubs in Scotland, the SNP are reportedly hopeful that staff and customers will not be subjected to any future outbreaks of Govid on the dancefloor.