The England and Wales Cricket Board are looking to recruit a team of carers to look after the England men’s squad.
The duties of the carers will include tucking the players up in bed at 11 pm, all year round, and locking the door to their room from the outside in order to keep them in check. They may read them a bedtime story if requested to do so. Should any player manage to get out of the locked room, tasering is a possibility.
Said an ECB Spokesman, who didn’t want to be named after the week he’s had, and because no-one likes a posh twat,
‘It’s quite unacceptable for England cricketers, especially the captain, to want a life outside of cricket. Going out after a victory and getting attacked by a rugby thug is totally unbecoming of any professional sportsperson, and it’s just not cricket. One meets all sorts of reprobates, not just rugger players, at that time of night.'
Phase two of the crackdown is thought to be a potential ban on any contact with their families at any time during the English season or on tour, and no pudding if they don’t eat their greens, though the spokesman refused to comment on this.
Updated: Dec 19, 2021
With shortages everywhere, and the government fooling no one in its attempt to deny this has anything to do with Brexit, comes news of the latest dearth. There aren't enough doormen to go round.
The British Association of Dives (BAD), has requested special measures be implemented to allow Skinheads from Eastern Europe to be given work visas, permitting them to come to Britain and knock some heads together in the busy run up to Christmas.
However, it's understood as many as 4,000 people are needed to train as new "Bouncers" to help tackle the skill shortage effectively. Therefore, other avenues are also being pursed to protect the industry in the long-term.
A government spokesman commented. 'We aren't unsympathetic to this, and to those ends to take up some of the slack, we're sending out one hundred thousand letters to ex- convicts who've done a bit of time for GBH.'
