A diplomatic compromise

Trump aims for Nobel Peace Prize by causing Armageddon

White House officials were quick to confirm that President Trump's decision to involve US Forces in bombing Iranian Nuclear Sites was all part of his plan to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

'The Romans said, "if you want peace, prepare for war,'" said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt in a rare moment of lucidity yesterday. 'The President is well-prepared for conflict and the potential death of many across the world is a sacrifice he's willing to make. Once the dust settles and there's an inability to have any future military engagements because we've been returned to prehistoric times, the Nobel committee will have no option but to give him the Peace Prize. That's the difference between the former short term thinking of Presidents like Barack Obama and Joe Biden, and strategists like Donald Trump.'

The US Department of Defense confirmed it is planning for retaliation from Iran and the possibility of Nuclear Armageddon, and already planning for any post-apocalyptic gaps by stockpiling iodine pills, potable water, and big planks with nails in them.

With all modern communication methods likely to be destroyed in World War III, it's unclear how news will reach Washington DC from The Nobel Committee in Stockholm. However, it is also rumoured the US Government is asking all winners of a place in the Boston Marathon Ballot to report to West Point Military Academy immediately.

photo: Photo by Luke Jernejcic on Unsplash

Trump to reform police to be on bad guys' side

'You're getting mugged at gunpoint and right now, you have no cards!' Washington police chief Trump told the terrified victim of an armed robbery while out on the beat in the city's streets.

'You have no cards,' he stressed, treating the victim - a visitor from Ukraine - to a few cuffs around the head, 'so the best thing you can do is to hand the guy with the pistol all your money and your valuables, and then crawl off and cry.'

Police Chief Donald Trump was demonstrating to reporters his 'beautiful' new approach to crime.

'There'll be no more crimes, because I'll say they're not crimes,' he said, patting the mugger on the shoulder and letting him saunter away with his pockets stuffed with cash and gold.

'I'll say the victims brought all this on themselves. They could have stopped it at any time,' he continued, to sycophantic nods from his retinue.

'Soon, there'll be perfect peace across the US because the criminals will have got all they wanted from their victims and won't feel like robbing them any more. Then I'll claim my Nobel Peace Prize.

'As for you, you pathetic victim,' said Trump, tasering him for the amusement of his sniggering lackeys, 'the price I'm charging for having protected you back there is half of your yard, because I want to extract minerals from it.'

Image: WixAI