Trump awarded Knobel Piece Prize

After an extended peacekeeping effort where he stopped upwards of twenty wars, not all totally imaginary, President Trump is to be honoured by Norway.  A select committee has been formed to instigate the Knobel Prize for piece.

'President Trump has been awarded the prize for ensuring he has grabbed, in his own words, any piece of pussy available.  On top of that he has strived to ensure Russia gets more than one piece of Ukraine,' said a Norwegian spokesman, adding, 'and he's a knob, hence the committee.'

Image credit: deep dream generator

Sales of Poison-Tipped Umbrellas Reach Record High in Anchorage

In a surge ‘only coincidentally’ linked with the prospective peace talks, backyard trade of stolen property, and septuagenarian wall-spaffing contest between Presidents Trump and Putin, Alaskan shopkeepers are reporting unprecedented sales of piano wire, gold paint, tamperable perfume bottles, lethal home entertainment lasers, and inflatable Saudi-linked embassies.

Raising suspicion that every Russian gangster, hoodlum, and hopeful is being mobilized on a one-chance murder mission should the Ukrainian president be allowed into the boardroom long after the competing snow sculptures of Trump and Putin’s penises have melted into base staffers' recurring night terrors, those left scrabbling for the last Aeroflot seats were forced to desperately purchase bicycles, wobbly ladders, plate glass windows, cans of paint and crates of chickens, in a misguided but laudable bid to nail their man and avoid their flight home ‘unfortunately’ steering directly into a mountain.

Responding to speculation about similarly unseasonably high tourism levels, a representative of the Alaska Tourism Board, muttering from behind a newspaper with two eye-holes cut in it, said: ‘I’m sure all these dead-eyed day-trippers are simply here to enjoy the sights, like the historic Elmendorf-Richardson military base chapel, whose corrugated iron roof reaches an impressive 5 metres above snow-level.

‘We did find a suspicious character sheltering inside the putrefying body of a dead cow cuddling a .22 rifle with “from mah clammy, fact-averse hands” scrawled on it, but it turned out to be JD Vance: he’s from the mid-West, I think it just reminded him of home.’

Photo by Rene Böhmer on Unsplash

Trump to invade Norway to get Peace Prize

With the talks between Putin and Trump in Alaska to shaft Ukraine looking unlikely President Trump has lamented the lost opportunity for him to win the Nobel Peace Prize, an award he believes should be his.  Consequently he has tasked Pete Hegseth to draw up plans to invade Norway to extract the Peace Prize for him, by force.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee has convened and is proposing a sixth Nobel prize to the existing five - Peace, Physics, Chemistry, Medicine and Literature - the Nobel Irony Prize.  'We could have awarded the literature prize for the Art of the Deal,' suggested a Nobel Committee spokesman, 'but given the way he is wrecking the US economy that would also translate into irony as well.'