FIFA to introduce 256 team World Cup

After the 'overwhelming success of our 48 team World Cup', FIFA have announced that future tournaments will consist of 256 teams.

FIFA Head, Geniuso Infinitissimo, stated he was aware that there were fewer than 256 associations within FIFA but that a bigger tournament would surely 'stimulate more members, even beyond the FIFA boardroom'.

'It would be a huge boon to areas where football is hardly played like Antarctica and Sealand. Wouldn't it be brilliant for all the football players in those territories to play on proper pitches in half-full stadiums? Who wouldn't want to see a Vatican City team, or even the Isle of Wight?

In our discussions over reintroducing Russia to future tournaments, other suggestions such as South Ossetia, Transnistria and Donbas have been put forward and Mr Trump has also said Greenland could have their own team in the tournament if certain conditions are met. So we are confident that the 256 team target will be easily met and FIFA can help football become an even greater force for world peace'.

A FIFA spokesman also 'vehemently denied' that the proposal was being heavily pushed by Italy as a way of ensuring that they would qualify for the next Finals.

Meanwhile in Pyongyang, North Korea are celebrating tonight after an amazing win in the FIFA World Cup Final. Pyongyang's Rungrado 1st of May Stadium was packed out as the hosts beat an Argentina side, consisting of some very dark Eastern-Asian-looking players, in a 15 goal thriller.

The 15 - 0 score just shows how amazing the North Korean team has become since winning the last one, and their top scorer, Kim Jong Un, came down from the Royal Box to score 9 goals in the last three minutes.

Accepting the trophy from himself, Kim, told the captive spectators that this was a sure sign that the Democratic People's Republic of Korea was the greatest country in the world. The crowd celebrated long into the night before they were released to go back to their homes to prepare for an early start.

H/T: dominicmcg

Image: WixAI

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Mumsnet to gain nuclear capability

Online whingeing forum Mumsnet is believed to have joined the nuclear powers after developing its own atomic bomb.

'Obvs we'd prefer a hydrogen bomb', a spokesmum said. ' 'A' bombs are a bit Tesco, hydrogen bombs are more Waitrose. Ooh, do you think we could get a neutron bomb? I don't even know which retail tier that would belong to. Harrods?'

Mumsnet got the idea for an independent nuclear deterrent after seeing how much Israel has been getting away with.

'Obvs we don't want to invade a foreign country or commit genocide', the spokesmum told us. 'It's more the principle. When we're negotiating better rates for piano lessons or asking the local council to offer free swimming lessons it will be good to be able to threaten to vaporise the town hall. We've had some modest successes with abductions and offing the odd official but we'd really like to take it to the next level'.

International nuclear watchdogs have expressed alarm at this latest nuclear proliferation, with one official saying 'We thought North Korea was batshit but these people terrify us'.

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North Korea's 1966 World Cup win hoax is actually true

A North Korean news presenter declaring in a high-pitched voice, and with fervent pride, that their glorious nation had won the men's football World Cup in 1966 has, in a stunning revelation, proved to be a very real and absolute fact.

National flagship truth channel trusted by all, GB News, made the announcement yesterday evening, following a thorough, diligent investigation spanning 59 years.

The broadcast, which comes as something of a blow to England fans, was delivered in a sombre tone by national treasure and triple-gold-medal-winning sporting hero, Jacob Rees-Mogg:

'It is with solemn regret that it falls to this highly respected news anchor to inform you that England did not win the World Cup in the year of nineteen hundred and sixty six. A series of Westminster dictatorship governments, none more so than the current regime, misinformed the public in distasteful and desperate bids to generate national pride.

'Contrived falsehoods proposed as reality are now, finally, exposed by this award-winning programme. An unusual touchline discussion between referee and linesman did not take place. The ball did not cross the line. The World Cup itself was not stolen. A dog called Pickles did not discover the hallowed trophy wrapped in newspaper and discarded in a hedge.

'Any footage you may have witnessed was staged. There was no Geoff Hurst hat-trick. No crowd ran onto the pitch, thinking it was all over.

'The actual, true and very real winners were the upstanding and highly respected nation of North Korea. Good eggs, every last one of them, and we salute their Supreme Leader.

'Due to the great dishonour brought upon the country, England has humbly surrendered its use of the George Cross Flag, returning it back to Turkey. And Malta. And Portugal. And Georgia.

'In other news, which may be even more unpalatable to England fans, the Independent People's Democratic Republic of Scotland did indeed become world champions of Elephant Polo in 2005.

'Now over to Salman Rushdie with the weather.'

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio