Debating gun control is constitutional; changing our minds is not, NRA confirms

The National Rifle Association (NRA) has reminded America its central belief in the sanctity of the Second Amendment cannot change, as doing so would result in a society worse than one in which anyone could shoot anyone else.

“The Constitution essentially comes down to: life is sacrosanct, but the Second Amendment is even more so. You can’t have an abortion, even if the mother’s life is at risk, but you can’t have state-funded life-saving healthcare either. Also torture is fine unless you’re one of us.”

The NRA spokesperson added: “I admit we’re probably changing our minds about martyrdom, on which we’ve been fairly silent up till now, if only because it will strengthen our grounds for not changing our minds.”

image from pixabay

writer: sketchedbyboz

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Car powered by sewage is proceeding swimmingly

Engineers and students at the University of Warwick are working on a hydrogen powered car that is fuelled by sewage. The sloppy jalopy development is being supported by Severn Trent Water, a company not unfamiliar with getting themselves in the sh*t.

One of the students, Ami, explained “We have tried to make the fuel induction as straightforward as possible. With petrol and diesel vehicles you fill up at the pump. With electric you use a charging point. With our car, a simple dump into the intake valve and you’re good to go.”

For their part Severn Trent have insisted more than one prototype is being built as backups will be inevitable, and they have also requested the vehicle is amphibious, so during heavy storms it can be treated as normal and pushed into the river.

Photo by Patrick Federi on Unsplash

British waterways pray Theresa Coffey doesn't take to skinny dipping

While much of the country is showing distaste for the state of the UKs waterways and shorelines, the water involved is more concerned that the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs has decided to take up wild swimming. 'Turds are a fact of life in British waterways,' mused one stretch of fouled water, 'but at least they tend to float. The displacement alone will give us another bad name,' it added.

Environmentalists don't know whether to be amazed that waterways have developed enough sentience to be able to express opinions on politicians, or surprise that politicians have simply reduced themselves to a level that turd infested water finds them as repellent as the voting public do. A famous stretch of water alongside Brighton used to humans skinny-dipping regurgitated vomit left by a hen party at the thought that Coffey might shed her clothes and enter it.

'I'd rather have Michael Gove skinny dipping,' mused the sea front, 'at least the cocaine takes the edge off'.