Olay discovers more than seven signs of ageing

Cosmetics firm Olay admitted today it had actually discovered more signs of ageing than the quoted seven, but didn't mention them in its advertising as its creams don't do anything to combat them.

'Waddling from side to side on the pavement so no one can get past you,' said a spokesman today. "Yeah, we've had no luck curing that. We did try a combination of Ylang Ylang and oil of jasmine, but surprisingly it had no effect at all.

'Nor could we fix never listening when people speak to you, having the TV at an almost painful volume or uncontrollable flatulence.

'Most worrying of all is the tendency to grumble that in some vague way things aren't what they used to be, also known as "traditional values". We hoped we could at least prevent this developing into full-blown racism, but no luck.

'Mind you, it's a lot to expect of a skin cream. We can't even get rid of the all-pervading smell of lavender and urine.'

Asked for a comment, an aged person said, 'Eh? What? Is it time for Countdown yet?'

Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens

The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.

An RSPB spokesperson said:

‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’

There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.

You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.

Bill Oddie refused to comment.

Numbers want their hashtag back

Numbers are divided. Some of them want their hash symbol (#) back, some are against the idea. Speaking for 7, 8, 9, the number 10 said, 'Since # was promoted to online hashtag status, we've been feeling a bit lonely.' 10 quickly added, 'Although not as lonely as number 1, of course.'

Number 3 isn't convinced. 'I'm not really sure that # really helped us in any way. Everyone sort of knew we were numbers, and putting # in front of us seemed somewhat superfluous. And people with bad handwriting sometimes made it look like I was 43 instead of #3. That sort of confusion can quickly multiply and become a real minus.'

# said, 'Will I ever go back to my old digit colleagues? Nº.'

Newsbiscuit.com

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