Burglar numbers falling. People urged to leave bacon fat in gardens

The Royal Society for the Protection of Burglars has urged people with garden sheds to leave out seed balls, lumps of lard, Rolex watches and widescreen TVs to help those light of finger survive the lean winter months. The number of burglars in the UK has fallen by 75% after a cold spell left them struggling to find open windows and empty houses. Robin Toerags and Great Tits could face extinction if temperatures continue to fall.

An RSPB spokesperson said:

‘Burglars rely heavily on the Christmas period to put on an some extra wonga. Sub-zero temperatures mean they are struggling to find items they can easily convert into cash or weed. We urge people to leave a window open so these beautiful little creatures can nick their stuff and shit on their duvets.’

There is some good news for House Martins and Dunnocks. These cheeky little scamps have adopted distraction techniques to get inside the homes of elderly people. Cute video clips of their hilarious antics can be viewed on YouTube.

You can help the RSBP in their important work by buying a wall chart that identifies offenders. You can also take practical steps to ensure they visit your garden on a regular basis. The RSPB has asked people to keep a close eye on their cats. ‘We’ll nick anything,’ the spokesperson said.

Bill Oddie refused to comment.

Numbers want their hashtag back

Numbers are divided. Some of them want their hash symbol (#) back, some are against the idea. Speaking for 7, 8, 9, the number 10 said, 'Since # was promoted to online hashtag status, we've been feeling a bit lonely.' 10 quickly added, 'Although not as lonely as number 1, of course.'

Number 3 isn't convinced. 'I'm not really sure that # really helped us in any way. Everyone sort of knew we were numbers, and putting # in front of us seemed somewhat superfluous. And people with bad handwriting sometimes made it look like I was 43 instead of #3. That sort of confusion can quickly multiply and become a real minus.'

# said, 'Will I ever go back to my old digit colleagues? Nº.'

Newsbiscuit.com

Image: Pixabay/geralt

Bus used for funeral procession 'failed to stop at the cemetery'

When a number 13 bus was used to convey a London veteran bus driver on his last journey, the organisers failed to consider the correct route. 'We picked him up from his house, which really needed to be a number 14x,' said Bert today. 'It would have been better if he'd travelled from the chapel of rest as that's a number 16 and goes straight past the cemetery, although with it being a request stop it could still cause problems,' he added.

The deceased driver's family travelled in a Corporation bus that was supposed to follow the lead bus, but in fact diverted to the railway station as a rail replacement service due to the strikes. 'It was a shock, but I was able to pop into Tesco while it waited for the connecting service,' the bus driver's widow said. 'Unfortunately it never went anywhere near the cemetery so we all missed the burial.'

The officiating priest caught an Uber and was waiting for three quarters of an hour until he got a call advising that the coffin was sitting in lost property back at the depot. 'His wife's got six months to claim him, otherwise he's off to landfill, ironically' said a Corporation spokesman.