Owls not as wise as they make out, claims wild goose

. 'I know this one owl, right, and she spends most of the day perched right there on a human's arm. How shrewd is that? She doesn't get to do whatever she wants and has to obey commands and stuff. If it were me, I'd have that arm right off. 'Round my way, there's this great pair of tits. They're charming, funny, and brilliant at political satire. When did you ever see an owl do a routine about the decay of personal responsibility in modern politics and have all the magpies in pieces? 'And starlings do this astonishing dance routine every evening where thousands of them move in beautiful waves and patterns. Do you know how many hours they have to put in to pull off that level of coordination? Has an owl actually ever done a basic tango with even one other owl? I think not. 'Last Tuesday I heard about a Swan who went to Cambridge. I mean, she f*cked up her landing on the river and looked like a right plonker among the punters, but she got there, you know. Owls don't even get close to the Luton College of Preformative Cake Delivery. 'I don't know a single owl who can conjugate a verb.'

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Fellow freedom-fighters!

Newsbiscuit can exclusively reveal that the Queen has not – as reported – “been feeling a bit cream crackered after all that palaver”.

She has in fact been forcibly removed from Buck House and spirited away to a secret underground bunker known only as Windsor Castle.

This is the so-called Prime Minister’s plan to distract attention from a vote of no-confidence. He actually intents to establish a 1000-children (all his) Reich and declare himself President for life. And he intends to replace our beloved monarch with a non-sweating glove puppet – Andrew I.

Assisting him in this endeavour are his fellow capitalist fascist running dog hyena lackeys.

We must do all we can to frustrate this overthrowing of democracy. Keep your ears carefully tuned to Radio Free Shanklin. When you hear the coded message ‘a wet owl never flies at night’ rise up and overthrow the oppressors.

In the meantime you can prepare by undertaking activities guaranteed to undermine the pampered toff clique. These include:-

Writing a stiff tut-tutting letter to your MP. Quite important if he / she is a Conservative. The no-confidence vote is today so send it first class!

Expressing your contempt for Government fake news propaganda by lining the floor of your budgie’s cage with copies of the Daily Mail.

Chalking the liberation initials NB on flat services such as walls, pavements, Dominic Raab’s charisma etc. Of course ask official permission before doing so.

Vive La Resistance!

Viva La Newsbiscuit!!

God Save the Queen!!!

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