Parliament to consider permanent switch to Hammer Time

With the clocks going back for Winter, the Government is to conduct an analysis of the costs and benefits of adopting the highly controversial Standard Hammer Time throughout the UK.

The concept of Hammer Time was introduced in the early 1990s by the recording artist MC Hammer on his top-selling ‘Please Hammer – Don’t Hurt ‘Em’. Although highly regarded at the time, its popularity waned after a series of poor-selling follow up albums.

Farmers’ Unions remain vehemently opposed. A spokesman said: ‘Without wanting to diss Hammer Time, many of our members are uneasy about having to tend sheep on dark winter mornings wearing large trousers, raybans and lots of bling. Things right now are tough enough for farmers as it is.’

If the new system is adopted, businesses will be required to provide employees with regular Hammer Time intervals, which are to be spent well away from their workstations in areas where they will be encouraged to ‘break it down’.

Image: Pixabay/natasssssa

Story taken from '15 Years of Typos'

Conservatives mistakenly vote to 'review' the body which might find them guilty of their misdeeds

The last barely functioning thing vaguely still working in the UK has been placed under review for a damn good dismantling. The standards committee which probes unseemly probing by members has itself been probed by Conservative MPs, including a number who are themselves under 'probation' by that very committee.

Roughly one quarter of MPs who voted for fewer standards have themselves previously been found guilty by the committee of skullduggery above and beyond the call of duty. Which begs the question: Only a quarter of them?

When a Prime Minister goes to the lengths of unsuspending an MP or two who the standards committee currently deem too dubious to be in public office, and does so for the specific purpose that they vote against the standards committee, then the stench of the oxymoron rather stings the nostrils. Avoiding the danger of permanent deselection from their own constituencies is merely a happy bonus no one should worry their pretty little heads over.

Despite a three line whip being strictly imposed on Conservative MPs, a fact strenuously denied by BBC News, many rebels rebelliously abstained, meaning that the vote was more of a squeaker than rigged for.

A spokes-cad for the rebels pointed out, 'Well of course we had to rebel in that glorious and heroic way where we do absolutely nothing. I don't think colleagues and so-called friends on our side of the aisle properly understand the mistake here. Our current leader and his Cabinet are so utterly hapless that there is a very real danger they hamfistedly and unintentionally create a replacement for the standards committee which accidentally has teeth.'

'Can you imagine what would happen? That would leave us all on a rather sticky wicket of our own making. And without any chums to bail each other out by insisting we are 'good eggs', we'd all be caught with our trousers down and our fondlers in the 'on the take' jar. No, far better to have a committee which only catches some of us out some of the time. We know where we stand with that and how to completely get away with it.'

Image: Tumisu | Pixabay

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Select Committee asks Johnson to step down after obscure 18th-century parliamentary rule emerges

For the second time in a week, conservative MPs have fallen foul of hitherto obscure rules.

Hot on the heels of Matt Hancock's reversal of fortunes with his UN job comes news that Boris Johnson is understood to be considering his position after receiving a letter from a Commons select committee. The letter brought to his attention a recently unearthed 250-year-old parliamentary rule precluding him from carrying out the role of Prime Minister.

The committee's chair told Andrew Marr. 'It's all very unfortunate for Boris, but the little-known rule, drafted in 1774 and never suspended, clearly states that incompetents, philandering chumps and feckless dolts cannot be considered for the job.

'As Mr Johnson passes the litmus test for all three, we have asked him to step down immediately. Therefore, under the rule, he is unfit to hold the office of First Lord of the Treasury.'

However, it seems the PM is not ready to walk just yet. A spokesman for No. 10 said: 'Look, Boris has handed this over to Carrie to sort out as he can't be diverted from his purpose at such a critical time in the nation's welfare.

'To those ends alone, this week, he is already booked for five gala dinners and a Tory fundraiser. All of this before he's then off on a gruelling two-week fact-finding mission in Mustique. Great Britain simply cannot afford to lose his inestimable insight and knowhow in these vital affairs of state.'

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