JobsForTheBoys.com - the number 1 platform for MPs looking for a second job

Are you an impoverished Tory MP looking to top up your measly £82,000 annual salary?

Frustrated by the lack of opportunities to offer your expert insight on the gambling, tobacco and health sectors to companies in the...er...gambling, tobacco and health sectors?

Are you able to suggest a daily consultancy rate of at least £2,000 a day for supposedly just attending a board meeting, whilst keeping a straight face at all times?

Then come and register with jobsfortheboys.com, the new second jobs platform for Conservative MPs. We can put you in touch with the biggest big businesses and the greasiest lobbyists.

All you need to do is upload your CV, clearly indicating which select committees and task forces you currently serve on. You should also upload at least one example of a sponsored blog you have written on either the dangers of over-regulation, or the advantages of the private sector winning government COVID contracts. Please also indicate any preferences you have for working in sunny tax havens.

We will connect you with our vast network of CEOs, dodgy governments and regulatory influencers. You could soon be topping up your salary and your suntan. We don't like the word 'lobby', although admittedly some payments for your work may be handed to you in a dimly lit hotel lobby, in a brown envelope.

'Jobsfortheboys.com - less of a platform and more of a trough'.

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Geoffrey Cox traced to Caribbean tax haven after his voice registered 7.1 on the Richter scale

Bombastic ranter and poor man's foghorn, Sir Geoffrey Cox has been discovered alive and well. He was found floating on an inflatable gift horse in a swimming pool full of fifty-pound notes on the British Virgin Islands.

While trousering the not inconsiderable amount of £65m for a couple of hours' work' (shuffling three sheets of para-legal standard offshore paperwork around his desk), he was so surprised by the amount he'd earned that he let out a massive primal bellow of delight.

The sonic wave flattened anything above two metres high on the island and has left the entire population of over 30,000 people homeless. A tsunami alert has been issued for Nicaragua, Venezuela and West Croydon.

Despite criticism and allegations of one law for the rich, one for everyone else, Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab rushed to Sir Geoffrey's defence: A spokesperson for Raab noted, 'Sir Geoffrey was operating within government remote working guidelines. The fact that the remote in this instance just happened to be a remote tropical island is neither here nor there'.

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Tories to form breakaway Super League of Lobbying

Conservative MPs have criticised the House of Commons’ Standards Committee for failing to show a sufficiently convivial fraternal spirit, as the Parliamentary Premier League of Lobbying is rocked with rumours of a breakaway.

Right-wing commentator Clementine Carruthers said ‘Honest Conservatives have got no alternative but to reform the system so they can never be found guilty or face any consequences. They almost called it a European Super League of Lobbying, but Mark Francois’ face turned a shade of magenta I’ve never seen before. You can’t trust an MP not taking a kickback. What’s their agenda? They should have to sign a register and have the good grace to be embarrassed. For Tories, being an MP should more of a side hustle. The real green is in the brown envelopes.’

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