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Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise


Despite signalling their intentions to buy ITV, Sky executives have made it clear that they will pay anything to avoid Cilla Black singing. Said one, ‘We want a streaming service, not a sewage pump. For every Brideshead Revisited there are thirteen seasons of Love Island we have to delete first. For every Downtown Abbey there is a…well…another Downtown Abbey.’


The majority of the £1.6bn will be spent on kerosine and a large box of matches, as much of ITV’s content will be lovingly archived as part of a barbeque. They will of course retain the best bits-which is the Granda logo, a signed photograph from the cast of ‘On the Buses’ and Phillip Schofield’s leaver’s card.


‘We’ll keep a few family favourites, like Jeremy Kyle driving people to suicide and the animal cruelty from ‘I’m a Celebrity…’. But our many focus will be turning Coronation Street into a global brand, or failing that, a cute box of chocolates. Oh, and we’ll keep the adverts, we love the adverts.’


image from Grok


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Duckworth-Lewis method to be replaced by Schofield-Johnson



The England and Wales Cricket Board, the national governing body of cricket, has announced a significant change to the rules for assessing the outcome of matches shortened by natural events. 


"If one side in a fixed-over cricket match were prevented from playing their full allocation of overs, because of rain or bad light or other natural disasters, how could you tell who had actually won? Previously, two very clever statisticians, Mr Duckworth and Mr Lewis had come up with a system that dealt with that problem. The Duckworth-Lewis method calculated all the various intricacies of runs, wickets, overs, and balls, and determined the winner. Unfortunately, however, that meant that occasionally England still lost. We had to find a better, more effective, means.


"Luckily, we have found two gentlemen whose expertise is exactly in this area of being prevented from completing their expected tasks, for reasons they assure us were completely outside their control. Both of them experienced this end of play in their respective fields. Mr Schofield and Mr Johnson have come up with a modern equivalent which doesn't require calculations, algorithms, formulae or even numbers at all. The Schofield-Johnson method simply insists that they were right all along. No matter what evidence is presented, the new system says, 'No, no, no, England won. That's all there is to it. And anyone who disagrees is obviously quite mistaken and has an alternative agenda. They want England to lose and would throw their country under a cardboard bus to ensure it happens.


The EWCB did some trials with a Trump-Johnson variation, but, regardless of the result, an angry mob ended up storming the pavilion and abusing the cucumber sandwiches in Latin.


Hat tip to FlashArry



Dodgy guys tricked into going to desert island

Following Philip Scofield’s decision to take part in a reality show, in which we watch him struggle to survive on a desert island, there are reports that a number of other alleged dodgy guys have followed suit.


So far Huw Edwards, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, R Kelly and Gary Glitter (real name Paul Gadd) have signed up to take part in a similar show, with the aim of rehabilitating their reputations with the public, according to a TV insider.


However, it seems none of them were informed that the others would be present, or that the supply ship wouldn’t be returning after dropping them off on the remote island.


”It’s a sort of creepy Lord of the Flies,” said the programme maker Oliver Matcha. “We feel the public will enjoy seeing these vile men turning on each other in panic, as their supplies dwindle and they face the very real prospect of starvation. I only wish Savile, Harris, Epstein and al Fayed could be there too.


“It’s a bit dark for a weekday evening show, I grant you. To be honest, I think Channel 4 only said yes because they were thinking of Lord of the Rings. But if they’re expecting hobbits, dwarves and magic rings, they’ll be disappointed.


”But the rest of us will get to enjoy the likes of Roman Polanski and Jonathan King scratching each other’s eyes out over half a rotten mango.”


image from pixabay

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