Donald Trump’s image library hacked

Hackers have released new AI generated images of Donald Trump.

The US President has already posted an AI generated image of himself dressed up as the Pope. This clearly takes cosplay to a new level, and we can only hope that the President didn’t get himself too excited. Devout Catholics were not best pleased.

Next we saw the AI generated picture in which Donald Trump tries to appeal to Star Wars nerds by posting an image of himself with a lightsabre on May the Fourth. This stunt has backfired somewhat, as the nerds have pointed out that the President has a red light sabre, which puts him on the baddies side, not the goodies. Awkward.

The newly released images appear to reveal a lot about the inner workings of the Donald’s mind.

There are images of Donald Trump as various historical figures, including Hitler, Ghenghis Khan, Sadiq Khan (he probably thinks they are related), Julius Caesar (‘Roman salad guy’), Winston Churchill (‘beach fighter guy’), Sitting Bull, Mussolini and Henry VIII. In the last image Trump (as Henry VIII) is shown in traditional Elizabethan dress, with his trademark too-long-red-tie over the top. A fashion disaster.

In some images, Donald Trump is toying with his Inner Russian, so to speak, as he is pictured as Lenin, Tolstoy, Rasputin and, alarmingly, as a topless Vladimir Putin, fighting a bear.

And there are some weirder concoctions, where Trump imagines himself as Cleopatra (the Elizabeth Taylor version), Mother Theresa, Joan of Arc, Hillary Clinton, and all three of The Supremes. We’re not sure that any of these images comply with Trump’s own policies on gender identity. Just for private use, perhaps.

Trump also appears as some stars of stage and screen, with AI generated images of himself as Kermit, Minnie Mouse (JD Vance appears alongside as Goofy), and the film director Orson Wells (this image is captioned Awesome Wells – maybe Trump thinks that’s what his name is).

And finally, there are images of Donald Trump as various sporting heroes, including Magic Johnson, Babe Ruth, Muhammed Ali, and Judd Trump (he probably thinks they are related).

The White House has said that it will not comment on the leaked images. We understand, however, the Donald Trump has signed an Executive Order to make viewing, transmitting, sharing and thinking about the images, a capital OFFENCE.

Meghan’s new cookery show teaches you how to Photoshop a lentil

The new Netflix series, With Love, Meghan, launches on January 15. But already the fan of the Duchess is raving about some of the astonishing food hacks contained in the lifestyle-promotional televisual plea for absolution and lots, lots more attention. ‘I bought myself a House of Sussex notebook and pen and made copious content notes. And – as Meghan advised - finished each with a heart and smiley, and other emojis, to detract from the imperativeness of the standard cooking advice lexicon.’

Smiling pan-racially at every moment, the Duchess welcomes culinary neophytes into a cutting-edge world of insta-conscious gustatory presentational techniques. And what she has unleashed in sustenential positivity is being talked up in some quarters as full karmic compensation for all those years of Covid. For this is not your average cookery show. It is the full, para-royal inversion of a genre.

In the trailer for the series, Meghan can be seen picking produce from her garden and warmly ignoring her father. Back in her Montecito kitchen, while Harry cleans the oven with a very old toothbrush, Meghan spends the first hour of the show thanking her ‘amazing team’ one by one. Using words such as ‘fantastic’ and (again) ‘amazing’ she says that she is ‘beyond grateful for the support’, leaving viewers pondering how ‘beyond grateful’ might take form in language or emotion.

Then it’s down to business! Lentils, the Duchess explains, don’t look good in most close-up shots, even the red ones that are actually from India. So Ms Markle walks viewers through the process of using image editing techniques to make tasteless brown mush gleam like the diamonds worn by the whore played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. While the food on the plate looks about as appetizing as Walsall street pizza, the resulting image would make you want to eat the screen through which it fakes.

At which point the show ends, leaving viewers gasping at the ingenuity of the knowhow, the smiliness of the Duchess, and the fantastic, amazing teaminess of the team. But be careful! Despite the Duchess’s heartfelt encomiums for a delicate moderation in all things diet, With Love, Meghan is product you might just want to binge. 

Editor's note: The best interpretation we can make of the term 'beyond grateful' is 'not grateful any more.'

Picture credit: deskpilot

Photo edited to imply Prince Harry has spine

A spokesman for Meghan Markle admitted today that a photo of her and Prince Harry had been edited before being released to news agencies.

The picture, taken during the couple’s famous interview with Oprah Winfrey, clearly implies that the ginger milksop has a spine and is able to sit upright unaided.

'It was never our intention to deceive anyone,” said Markle’s social media manager. “I simply tried to remove the image of Megan’s hand in the middle of Harry’s back, as it looked like she was working his mouth throughout the interview.

'Which obviously is garbage. He was so completely broken and emasculated by then, Megan wouldn’t even need to be in the room to guarantee he’d only say whatever she wanted.'

He also denied editing out Harry’s left hand in broadcast footage of the interview, which some have claimed was repeatedly tapping out “Please help me” in Morse code.