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Piers Morgan going door to door trying to offend people


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Amidst news that his flagship primetime talk show on TalkTV has now dropped to fewer than 24,000 viewers, talk show host and professional walk-off merchant (Check whether this is a typo - Ed.) Piers Morgan has now taken to calling on unsuspecting members of the public at home in a vain attempt to cause some confrontation and controversy.


Banging on doors in leafy St Albans, Morgan is prepared for any eventuality: carrying a case containing a steak baguette should a vegan answer; a Union Flag in case someone isn't looking forward to the upcoming jubilee; and a crucifix just in case he runs into Meghan Markle.


At his first house, Morgan draws a blank, meeting 89-year old Doris who remembers him from Good Morning Britain - and misses him on that - though she prefers Adil Ray who, 'speaks very nicely for a foreign.' However, at house number two he hits paydirt when the door is opened by Niall, a 36-year old freelance graphic designer, who has been working from home since the pandemic started. After a five minute rant about lazy millennials wanting it all, Morgan walks away puce-faced but satisfied someone has felt his wrath.


Speaking after the encounter, Niall remained upbeat, remarking, 'It was brief but kind of fun. I didn't even get a chance to tell him I'm pescatarian, or my pronouns are they/them, but I think he just needed to blow off some steam after being cooped up in that studio with only the crew to be angry towards. His producer gave me a release form to sign and reminded me to tune in tonight, but I think I'll stick to my repeats of Bake Off.'


Morgan says he plans to continue this one-man crusade to shock until his ratings recover. Failing that, he plans to increase the annoyance he can bring to Britain's doorsteps by becoming a Jehovah's Witness.



First published 21 May 2022



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Baroness Mone denies massive pants-factory fire has links to PPE affair


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Lingerie millionairess Baroness Mone has said the huge pants-fire in her lingerie factory near Slough is "unconnected" to the controversy over her lies regarding PPE. She issued a statement saying the fact the fire broke out the very moment she admitted to Laura Kuenssberg she had been lying was a "pure coincidence".

'There has been a lot of arson around and I can only put the fire down to people who want to hurt me' Baroness Mone continued. She denies that she and her husband had been arson around for nearly two years before telling the truth about their part in the PPE affair.


'The pants factory and its contents are very well insured and like any careful and successful business people, we protect our assets and stand to make a little extra to cover the expenses of the claim,' she said in an independent multi-million feature film starring Tom Cruise which she wrote, produced and directed.

'The pants factory and the film were financed by a company owned by my husband, a man who I have never met in my life. Our two children, who were conceived postally, are the ones I would go to any lengths to protect.'


It's understood that Baroness's pants-empire has now started making fireproof pants and Piers Morgan is set to publicly endorse them for an undisclosed sum of £60million.


In some unheard clips from her Kuenssberg interview Mone added:


'It's lucky I was a Conservative peer, otherwise it would have been much more difficult to recommend my husband's company to supply useless PPE and personally profit from the catastrophic outbreak of a killer disease... It is difficult being a Baroness with 60 million quid that I shouldn't have. The struggle is real - can you even buy a super yacht with that? My diamond slippers are a bit tight actually... How best to distract jaded newspaper editors from a story about public sector procurement? Well, I'm a lingerie tycoon, so, tits.'


H/T: stewartbarclay


First published 19 Dec 2023



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Moulin Rouge sails down - Basque separatists claim responsibility

For the first time in 130 years, at 2am on Wednesday night everything came off at the Moulin Rouge.


The sexy Parisian landmark - known in a thick local dialect as T' Red Windmill - lost its iconic sails, and therefore its ability to supply green energy to the artistic powerhouse that is Montmartre. Luckily, the erotic cabaret venue was able to switch to a backup supply, known as blue energy.


The Mayor of another French city has given her full support, and offered to pick up the slack in the dangerous under-supply of emergency risqué dance routines. 'At this orrifc time, our éxotic Moulin Rouge really needs a leg-up,' she said with a superfluous accent. 'We must, and we will elp. And if anyone can, Cannes can.'


Penises have been pointed at who is responsible for this tragedy, but unfortunately there is no French word for the word sabotage. The French centre right blamed the far right, and the far right blamed the foreigners. The centre left blamed Basque separatists, and Basque separatists blamed themselves. Importantly, the English far right intervened to blame Angela Rayner, and Piers Morgan blamed Meghan Markle's frilly knickers.


The actual mastermind behind this act of terrorism admitted, 'You're only s'posed to blow the bloody drawers off.'


image from pixabay

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