Baroness Mone denies massive pants-factory fire has links to PPE affair

Lingerie millionairess Baroness Mone has said the huge pants-fire in her lingerie factory near Slough is "unconnected" to the controversy over her lies regarding PPE. She issued a statement saying the fact the fire broke out the very moment she admitted to Laura Kuenssberg she had been lying was a "pure coincidence".

'There has been a lot of arson around and I can only put the fire down to people who want to hurt me' Baroness Mone continued. She denies that she and her husband had been arson around for nearly two years before telling the truth about their part in the PPE affair.

'The pants factory and its contents are very well insured and like any careful and successful business people, we protect our assets and stand to make a little extra to cover the expenses of the claim,' she said in an independent multi-million feature film starring Tom Cruise which she wrote, produced and directed.

'The pants factory and the film were financed by a company owned by my husband, a man who I have never met in my life. Our two children, who were conceived postally, are the ones I would go to any lengths to protect.'

It's understood that Baroness's pants-empire has now started making fireproof pants and Piers Morgan is set to publicly endorse them for an undisclosed sum of £60million.

In some unheard clips from her Kuenssberg interview Mone added:

'It's lucky I was a Conservative peer, otherwise it would have been much more difficult to recommend my husband's company to supply useless PPE and personally profit from the catastrophic outbreak of a killer disease... It is difficult being a Baroness with 60 million quid that I shouldn't have. The struggle is real - can you even buy a super yacht with that? My diamond slippers are a bit tight actually... How best to distract jaded newspaper editors from a story about public sector procurement? Well, I'm a lingerie tycoon, so, tits.'

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

H/T: stewartbarclay

First published 19 Dec 2023

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Moulin Rouge sails down - Basque separatists claim responsibility

For the first time in 130 years, at 2am on Wednesday night everything came off at the Moulin Rouge.

The sexy Parisian landmark - known in a thick local dialect as T' Red Windmill - lost its iconic sails, and therefore its ability to supply green energy to the artistic powerhouse that is Montmartre. Luckily, the erotic cabaret venue was able to switch to a backup supply, known as blue energy.

The Mayor of another French city has given her full support, and offered to pick up the slack in the dangerous under-supply of emergency risqué dance routines. 'At this orrifc time, our éxotic Moulin Rouge really needs a leg-up,' she said with a superfluous accent. 'We must, and we will elp. And if anyone can, Cannes can.'

Penises have been pointed at who is responsible for this tragedy, but unfortunately there is no French word for the word sabotage. The French centre right blamed the far right, and the far right blamed the foreigners. The centre left blamed Basque separatists, and Basque separatists blamed themselves. Importantly, the English far right intervened to blame Angela Rayner, and Piers Morgan blamed Meghan Markle's frilly knickers.

The actual mastermind behind this act of terrorism admitted, 'You're only s'posed to blow the bloody drawers off.'

image from pixabay

Associated Press asked 'why no photo kill notice on all images of Piers Morgan?'

Millions of people around the planet are somewhat dumbfounded by the media's choices of which snaps have something so heinously wrong with them that they need to be retracted, when others are apparently perfectly fine. Of all the photos in the world, a kill notice on one of a mother with her children? Really?

What about every single image of 'innocent' presidential candidate Donald Trump?

Those pics of Vladimir Putin, winner of a 'free and fair' Russian election?

And there's a chap in Downing Street claiming to be Prime Minister when only a handful of chums voted him in.

'Right, Honorable' Member of Parliament, Chris Pincher, when there was a lot more touching up going on?

And what about Member of European Parliament Nigel Farage standing in front of a clearly doctored massive image of 'millions of people queuing to enter the UK' right before Brexit? That one was OK was it?

But if you ever come into possession of a photo of a £37 billion world-beating track and trace system, do let the Brits know.

Photo by Filip Mishevski on Unsplash