Baroness Mone denies massive pants-factory fire has links to PPE affair

Lingerie millionairess Baroness Mone has said the huge pants-fire in her lingerie factory near Slough is "unconnected" to the controversy over her lies regarding PPE. She issued a statement saying the fact the fire broke out the very moment she admitted to Laura Kuenssberg she had been lying was a "pure coincidence".

'There has been a lot of arson around and I can only put the fire down to people who want to hurt me' Baroness Mone continued. She denies that she and her husband had been arson around for nearly two years before telling the truth about their part in the PPE affair.

'The pants factory and its contents are very well insured and like any careful and successful business people, we protect our assets and stand to make a little extra to cover the expenses of the claim,' she said in an independent multi-million feature film starring Tom Cruise which she wrote, produced and directed.

'The pants factory and the film were financed by a company owned by my husband, a man who I have never met in my life. Our two children, who were conceived postally, are the ones I would go to any lengths to protect.'

It's understood that Baroness's pants-empire has now started making fireproof pants and Piers Morgan is set to publicly endorse them for an undisclosed sum of £60million.

In some unheard clips from her Kuenssberg interview Mone added:

'It's lucky I was a Conservative peer, otherwise it would have been much more difficult to recommend my husband's company to supply useless PPE and personally profit from the catastrophic outbreak of a killer disease... It is difficult being a Baroness with 60 million quid that I shouldn't have. The struggle is real - can you even buy a super yacht with that? My diamond slippers are a bit tight actually... How best to distract jaded newspaper editors from a story about public sector procurement? Well, I'm a lingerie tycoon, so, tits.'

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

H/T: stewartbarclay

Mirror Group appeals phone hacking verdict before it's given

In what may prove to be a costly legal blunder, Mirror Group newspapers have launched an appeal against the verdict that they were guilty of phone hacking before it was given.

'One has to say, it does raise the question of how you could know what verdict I was going to hand down,' said the judge Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton today. 'Surely not because I mentioned it in a phone call to a colleague yesterday?'

Former editor of the Daily Mirror Piers Morgan had told the High Court that he 'had no idea mobile phones had been invented'.

'Ask anyone who’s worked with me, they’ll tell you I’ve got a grand old Bakelite telephone on my desk and at home, I’ve got one of those Laurel and Hardy phones with a separate earpiece.

'Naturally I did wonder about these glass and metal rectangles I saw people on the train staring at, or even talking into, but I never made the connection that they might be phones of some kind. I mean, where’s the cord?!?'

His protestations seemed to carry little weight with Mr Justice Bufton-Tufton, who said 'For pity’s sake, man, I’ve heard of them and I’m a High Court judge.'

The Mirror Group strenuously denied any wrongdoing, adding that the judge was an idiot not to have changed his phone passcode from the factory default setting.

'Anyway, I’m sure he wouldn’t want us to publish details of the young female barrister he phoned several times last week, or the Uber he took to her flat on Wednesday night, when his wife thought he was away at a legal conference.'

The judge then issued a revised verdict, clearing the Mirror Group of all past wrongdoings and even giving them a pre-emptive amnesty for their next three crimes.

Image: Newsbiscuit

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