PM Considering Giving Every Household in the UK one billion pounds

In what is being seen as an increasingly desperate measure to hang on to his job, Number 10 insiders have revealed that the Prime Minister is considering giving every household in the UK a one-off payment of one billion pounds to help combat rising living costs.

The unnamed source said that: "Nothing is off the table in terms of how Machiavellian Boris will be if it means saving his own skin"

And whilst opposition parties and think tanks have questioned the plans, a YouGov poll of 50,000 people has shown that 99.9% of people would be happy for Boris Johnson to remain PM if such a scheme was rolled out.

A spokesman for Keir Starmer told our reporter that Labour would give people two billion pounds.

image from pixabay

Computer hacker 'spoofs' Conservative Party 1922 Committee inbox

A devious computer hacker has set up an account called VoteOfNoConfidence@1922_Committee.co.uk which looks all genuine and everything. Known in hackerworld as a 'spoof', Conservative politicians have been duped into submitting their votes of no confidence in Prime Minister Boris Johnson to this email address.

'Tories are notoriously lazy,' said the unnamed hacker. 'They just can't be arsed to do anything for anyone else, never mind follow the official submission process of delivering a printed letter on officially headed paper by hand to the Chairman of the 1922 Committee on bended knee with bowed head while revealing a nipple and tickling his exposed testicle.'

'What I have done is create a method which is so simple and easy to do that even self-absorbed right-wing MPs might actually get around to it, rather than staving off doing anything by insisting they need to wait for the results of Sue Gray's next urine test.

'The account only required 54 votes of no confidence, but there were already over 300 in there this morning. The best bit is that Boris Johnson has been constantly badgering the Chairman about the numbers; they are both certain it's only 2 and there's nothing to worry about, but Johnson is spaff up the wall when I reveal the true amount.'

Image: Pixabay/geralt

Save Big Dog! Declare War!

With the Cabinet Room table creaking under the weight of dead cats and empty wine bottles, Boris Johnson has decided to have a nice little war to save his skin and take the heat off the upcoming investigation by the Parliamentary Standards Committee. It's a well-known alternative fact that the UK cannot change PM during a war, even though it has several times. The war itself will be a nice, easily winnable, TV friendly war fought against a small third world country selected at random – bad luck Benin.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said ‘The war in Ukraine is at arm’s length. We need to get stuck in ourselves and cause unnecessary pain, suffering and death until Boris is somehow in the clear and his approval ratings are high enough to win the next election. Bozza will have blood on his hands – again – but this time most of it will be from foreigners with dark skin, which actually appeals to the Tory base.’

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘I think I'm still drunk from last night, who did we declare war on? Well, at least any fleeing asylum seekers being sent directly to Rwanda won’t have as far to go, which is environmentally friendly. And the UK invading an African country for no reason is very much on-brand. BoJo has always had the air of a cruel provincial governor in the age of the Raj. As we’re invading somewhere, best to let the British Museum know too – those displays don’t fill themselves.'