'Pick a policy, any policy'

BoJo has made approximately 148 new policy announcements, one of each of the Tory MPs who think he's unfit for office. An early draft of the so-called 'benefits-to-bricks' scheme would have seen benefit claimants paid directly in bricks and then invited to build their own house.

Labour spokeswoman Jodie Johnstone said 'House prices are spiralling upwards and the Tories have made sure that benefits are spiralling downwards. You'd need to be in an Escher painting to make that work.'

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'If you throw enough shit at the wall, some of it can be used to stick together the bricks you were given. Anyway it's not as though lending vast quantities of money to people who can't afford to pay it back has ever ended in a global financial meltdown before."

Johnson spin doctors to take control over booing

The recent events that Prime Minister Boris Johnson has attended have included a cappella 'boos' from the crowd. In an attempt to connect with the 'ordinary person' the Prime Minister and his spin doctors have decided that the 'boos' are now an integral part of his persona. Consequently he has decided to bring 'trustees' along to all personal appearances and have them 'boo' if no-one else bothers.

'I have a lot of experience of 'bring your own boos' parties, said the Prime Minister today.

PM Considering Giving Every Household in the UK one billion pounds

In what is being seen as an increasingly desperate measure to hang on to his job, Number 10 insiders have revealed that the Prime Minister is considering giving every household in the UK a one-off payment of one billion pounds to help combat rising living costs.

The unnamed source said that: "Nothing is off the table in terms of how Machiavellian Boris will be if it means saving his own skin"

And whilst opposition parties and think tanks have questioned the plans, a YouGov poll of 50,000 people has shown that 99.9% of people would be happy for Boris Johnson to remain PM if such a scheme was rolled out.

A spokesman for Keir Starmer told our reporter that Labour would give people two billion pounds.

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