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COP26: 'Behold, for I am the saviour of the world' Johnson heard claim

Updated: Nov 28, 2021


It has been claimed Boris Johnson has personally taken credit for saving the world from falling into the abyss following the underwhelming conclusion to the COP26 conference in Glasgow.


'I did it. It was all me, Doomsters and gloomsters say it's a bad result, but I simply say piffle and nonsense. Look, on an auspicious day like today, it's an amazing victory, one which would never have been won were it not for my amazing ability to get the job done.' a cock-a-hoop Mr Johnson was overheard boasting.


Mr Johnson’s spokesman explained: 'How did he do it? Well, once again he’s simply lying through his teeth, and as he told Alok: do the same if anyone asks any tricky questions. It's been a proven winning strategy.


'In a few weeks' time when the world realises just exactly what has been achieved, it will be too late. But significantly, the PM won't give two hoots, because you see, he'll have had the bounce from this in the popularity polls and the idiotic British electorate will think he’s fab again.


'Then all he need do is lie completely doggo for a couple of years, pop up again in time for the next general election; hide in a few fridges while on the campaign trail, speak to no one dangerous in the media, and simply tell massive whoppers one after another at rallies. That's certain to see him returned for a second term.'






As accusations of Johnson's utter incompetence grow it appears the PM's not for turning

Updated: Nov 26, 2021



As momentum builds at Westminster acknowledging Boris Johnson's utter incompetence and total lack of integrity, Tory MPs are said to becoming increasingly more worried with each passing day.


One minister speaking off the record said: 'Look we all know he's a feckless narcissist, although he did do a job for us on Brexit. But now though, I'm rather afraid patience is fast running out among colleagues and something needs to be done.'


And it appears that something involves a radical change of tack for the PM. There are growing calls for Mr Johnson to start doing some actual work, with many suggesting 'work' cannot be defined as swanning around schools and factories shaking hands and looking for pointless photo opportunities up to five times a week.


The minister continued: 'We're talking about getting things done. Putting in a shift. Actually getting his hands dirty. You know, reading and not shredding briefings, then god forbid, acting on them promptly and decisively with real ideas and policies.'


However, it's unclear just how receptive Mr Johnson is to the rising clamour, as a leaked extract from his engagement diary detailing the period from now to Christmas, shows he has three Caribbean holidays paid for by benefactors scheduled, a trip to Covent Garden Opera House, something called Beckie's Dungeon, a half-completed game of hangman, two ink blots and a tomato ketchup stain.





Huge Fatberg of Lobbyists discovered in Westminster drain


A 100-tonne congealed mass of lobbyists has been found festering deep underneath Westminster. The discovery comes following lobbying by MP Owen Paterson, accusations earlier this year about lobbying by ex-PM David Cameron , the awarding of COVID-contracts without procurement, and at least seven separate enquiries in 2021 into the relationship between private businesses and government.


'These sort of fatbergs have become more and more common since the Tories have come back into power, but this one we've discovered in the pipework under the House of Commons is the biggest yet,' said a Thames Water spokesperson.


'It's a mixture of oily striped-shirted and brace wearing lobbyists on their phones, combined with expensive red wine, foie gras, and chateaubriand from the Carlton Club', continued the spokesperson.


'Unfortunately, it typically it has that shared Eton public school binding agent that helps grease the wheels', concluded the spokseperson. 'Its just so hard to break down and penetrate'.




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