Britain to be matt-finished by 2035

PM Sir Keir Starmer has reiterated his commitment to have nothing shiny left in Britain within the next decade. In a statement today the prime minister doubled-down on his manifesto pledge to eradicate all sparkliness and glitz from the nation.

A spokesperson for the PM, commented: “The PM firmly believes the ten-year target of matt-finishing Britain is achievable. He’s pleased with the progress so far in the areas of domestic window frames and drug dealers’ cars, and hopes these seismic shifts in exterior finishes will have a knock-on effect in dulling-down the appearance of Britain for future generations.”

Supporters of the proposals include manufacturers of paint, who welcomed the commitment, stating that although gloss paint looks nice, matt emulsion was cheaper to produce and less harmful when consumed by children.

Not everyone shares the PM’s fuzzy vision; uproar was felt within the pearly community, with the king and queen of the kings and queens suggesting that they’d look ridiculous with little circles of denim or tweed sewn on to their suits.

image from pixabay

Starmer recalls all former Conservative MPs

'Rachel's taken a look at the books and it seems there's something missing,' said a spokesman for the Prime Minister today.  'We kind of knew about the £30 Billion for track and trace, the Gazillion pounds missing from dodgy deals over covid, but the Treasury coffers have been hollowed out,' he said.

Consequently, every Conservative MP, both those who lost their seats and both of those who kept them, have been told to report to Starmer's office by nine Monday morning and are to turn their pockets out.  Pronto.  They are to bring their briefcases and have them ready for inspection.

'We don't expect to find anything,' confided the spokesman, 'but while Sir Keir's flexing his cane and pacing up and down in front of them we can be ransacking their bank accounts.  Anything over a billion will be considered sus, apart from Rishi, obvs.

One hack asked if they would turn up, to the obvious amusement of the spokesman.  'Did you not hear the bit about the cane?  We're talking Tories here,' he said. 

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