Biologists discover irremovable crustacean called Keir Starmacle

From NewsBiscuit special correspondent herculepoisson

Marine biologists have today found a new form of crustacean with unprecedented qualities of adhesion.

'What's unique about this creature is that it is a land-based barnacle,' said Professor Steve Simpson of the University of Plymouth. 'It seems to adhere to exclusive central London properties and then refuse, under any circumstances, to relinquish its grip and leave.'

The more common marine-based crustaceans are noted for their tendency to attach themselves to large shipping vessels, often causing significant drag and slowing the progress of everyone on board.

'There is no indication that the Keir Starmacle has ears and is swayed by outside noise,' continued Simpson. 'To all intents and purposes it appears utterly lifeless, but good luck removing the bugger.'

Concerned Whitehall residents are exploring all options to remove the unsightly crustacean, and this afternoon Wes Streeting and Andy Burnham were seen leaving a local Screwfix holding a high-powered pressure washer.

Author: herculepoisson

Image credit: perchance.org

Literally no one surprised as Reform councillor sacked

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An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.

After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition was surprised to come across a village of tribes people who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.

However, according to village headman Guaraná, none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins had once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.

'What an absolute cockwomble,' Guaraná continued. 'I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.'

A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.

“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. 'Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.'

A primitive, Stone Age people whose technology is limited to flint arrowheads, Reform now has almost one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.

Image credit: NB archive

Britain needs more Keir Starmer, not less

Addressing the nation the beleaguered PM insisted that he was popular, we just haven't got to know him yet. His failures help to challenge us in a healthy and necessary way. Friendship, after all, cannot flourish unless one party bravely endures the other without encouragement. One day we will thank him for staying.

The seismic collapse of the Labour vote is proof positive that his vision is working. His spokeswoman explained, 'Voters have a wonderfully strong reaction to Sir Keir, we just need to make it a positive one.' There are signs that he is winning people over…certainly their tight smiles and evasive body language show they have learnt a great deal—probably about resilience.

'If you think you hate him now, wait until you get to know him.'

Image credit: NB archive