Updated: Sep 15
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Westminster Disunited’s new boss Liz Truss has made a quick start on refreshing her playing squad during the newly opened transfer window. Firstly, defender Priti Patel has been allowed to leave after behaving like a heartless thug amidst reports of bullying junior players in the past. And in contrast to the no-nonsense stopper, maximum nonsense attacker Nadine Dorries has also been relieved of her irresponsibilities.
Patel claimed to have no wish to stay on anyway and resigned in disgrace rather than be sacked in disgrace. Originally in the first team, Patel found that opportunities to kick opponents right up in the air, all the way to Rwanda if she’d had her way, became limited in recent times.
Dorries was also amongst the favourites of the previous regime although critics found it hard to fathom out why. Appointed to the first team despite a total absence of knowledge of the sport, her role or pretty much anything at all, Dorries somehow held down her place. Whether her organisational and leadership skills only emerged during team social events, or she performed particularly well in behind closed doors training sessions, nobody knows.
It is anticipated that other sycophants of the previous regime will be similarly moved on as Ms Truss seeks to impose her preferred playing style on the utter shambles of a team she inherited. She hopes to bring in some new talent, promote some promising players from the reserves and introduce some discipline into proceedings in order to motivate her whole squad. It looks like she is stuck with Cristiano Ronaldo though.
First published 7 Sep 2022
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Having endured the excruciating screeching sound of the bottom of the political barrel being scraped for almost two months, the long-suffering British public were hoping to be able to watch the news without their fingers in their ears.
But, like the owners of a missing cat that has returned and sicked up a still-living rat on the living room carpet, their relief at the end of their long ordeal is mixed with disgust at the fresh horror that they are now confronted with.
Some console themselves that you can't get lower than the bottom of the barrel. But excited journalists have just announced that there will be a full week of new Cabinet appointments; so maybe, in this new Britain, you can.
First published 6 Sep 2022
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