Time again for politicians to pretend they like football

Holding pints of beer, they have no intention of drinking, then wondering when the canapés will be served, politicians will once again feign interest in the plebs. With an election overlapping with the Euros, every party leader will be forced to wear an obligatory England shirt, still with the tags on.

As their police escort clears the room of any real people. they will pose naturally in pubs, in front of a team of press photographers they had coincidentally bumped into. All the while practising the names of their favourite players, like Harry Bellingham, Bobby Shearer and Ian Botham.

One part leader insisted he is an ardent fan, right up until England lose. 'Ever since I started following

Manchester Rovers, I've always been a supporter of ruggerball. Who can forget Gazza's tears when he sung nessun dorma? Or when Geoff Capes scored his World Cup triple? As a die hard Liverpool Red Socks fan, I can safely say 'it's coming home', although I don't know what 'it' is.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Government takes rapid action to root out rip-off degrees

In the final days of the current parliament, the government is taking rapid action against low value ‘rip-off’ undergraduate degrees.

A spokesman said, ‘There are too many low quality courses, and we wanted to act fast. We could have chosen courses in media studies, golf course management (essentially watching grass grow and playing in sandpits), retailing (shelf stacking), observation of the drying of paint, or that course about Taylor Swift.

‘However, the most egregious and useless courses are clearly those in politics. Just look at the quality of the students with politics degrees. It’s awful. They don’t understand the difference between good and bad policy, they just parrot stuff they've read on ultra-right or ultra-left social media apps. They are very poorly prepared for the world of work – the evidence is all around us. 

‘The courses themselves are also very weak. The politics curricula (note correct use of the plural there, you riff-raff) contain little or nothing on morals or ethics, good practice, or good governance. It’s often all comparative crap – comparing politics between Russia, Rwanda and Rutland, for example. And the Oxford PPE course (that’s Politics, Philosophy and Economics, you plebs), is only one third politics in the first place - that's not good value.  Look behind Oxford University's ivory tower facade and you'll find it's just plywood.

‘So we will close down and refuse to fund politics degrees, even though the courses offer valuable lecturing jobs for failed politicians like Boris Johnson and Liz Truss.

‘Our new plan is for Politics apprenticeships. These vocational courses will be more hands on and practical. Work placements in national and local political parties will give the students front line political experience, dealing with issues about potholes, noisy neighbours, and dog poo.

‘How can we expect politicians to bring peace to the Middle East if they can't even resolve a dispute between neighbours about overhanging branches?’

Image by Steid from Pixabay

Lazy weirdos overlooked by political parties

Layabout crackpots up and down the country are being 'ignored' by all the major political parties claimed Ron Jenkins of Clacton, speaking from his inflatable ostrich, Kevin, whilst waiting for cash in the attic to start.

'They always bang on about the ordinary, hard-working voter - what about weirdos?', said Mr Jenkins, speaking in Klingon.

Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay