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Cake to become next PM



The birthday cake that Boris Johnson was given in June 2020 is tipped to be Britain's next Prime Minister, according to Downing Street insiders today.


Speaking from behind the bike sheds at no 10 and furtively sipping a glass of tap water, an aide said "the Party is looking for something bright, relatable and that everyone would fancy a bit of. The cake stands out way ahead of the other contenders, especially when it's candles are lit. Admittedly, it's a bit stale, the cream filling has gone off a bit by now and the whole thing will probably need to go in the bin soon, but then.. excuse me - hello Prime Minster! Yes of course it's vodka."


However, there is no guarantee that Britain can look forward to a sweet sponge-based government, as it's understood that the cake has also had a lucrative offer from the BBC to be its new chief political reporter, based on its skill in ambushing politicians.



First published 27 Jun 2022



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Assisted Dying Bill 'a sly way to get rid of House of Lords'


Westminster insiders have suggested that the Assisted Dying Bill, which the House of Commons just voted in favour of, is in fact a sly way to get rid of the House of Lords.


'There's a provision that the subject must be no more than 6 months from dying - well, that should cover about 90% of them,' said the spokesman today. 'And of course, they have to be ill - but dementia would count, surely?


'Also a High Court judge has to sign off on it. But as long as we pick one who isn't in the Lords himself, I'm sure he'll be glad to get rid of a few rivals.'


Of course, to become law the bill will also have to pass the Lords, which might cause some problems.


'We'll have to hope they don't realise it's directed at them. Or just make sure it's not debated the same day as hunting, shooting or fishing, so hardly any of them turn up.'


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