Keir Starmer, the invisible leader

A new study by the Institute for Political Awareness reveals that most UK citizens don’t know who the Prime Minister is. When asked directly, 87% of respondents either shrugged, Googled it, or named someone from Strictly Come Dancing.

Since winning the 2024 general election, Starmer has largely governed in peace — mostly because the public isn’t watching – but also because he has mastered the skill of invisible leadership. 

We showed a photo of Starmer to some people in the street, to see what reaction we got.

‘He’s sort of… President of the UK,’ said 23-year-old Aaliyah, ‘but I haven’t heard him do anything lately. Has he been cancelled?’

Other respondents asked if Rishi Sunak was still PM, and if Boris Johnson was coming back.

And someone insisted ‘that lettuce’ was still in charge.

Story credit: wurstcasenews

Picture credit: perchance AI

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Fired? Jolly japes to leave your new replacement - a Conservative list

Spaffed your job up a wall and been replaced by some noob? Why not leave a few tricks and jokes for the newbie, hilarity will definitely ensue! Perhaps one of these delights, put together by some Tory MPs who suddenly had a lot more free time available:

1. Poor some cress seeds on the carpet and give them a water before you leave. Maybe spell out a fun word like “Thatcher”.

2. Ram all the prisons to capacity and do nothing about it. Top bants.

3. Swap the mouse button settings round so they get confused and can’t press the correct one. Let them get any Social Reform through with that kind of setback.

4. Freely distribute top secret information about in a spreadsheet and make sure you cover it up until they are in charge. Try to make sure it’s expendable foreign chaps rather than your own lot…

5. Put some sardines behind the radiator and say you saw some of their back benchers do it.

6. Spend ALL the money and say everything is fine. This isn’t as fun if the other lot already know about it and pretend to go along with it. You both look daft then.

7. Shit in a drawer. Simple and effective.

8. Don’t pay people or fix things, enraged NHS staff, tired teachers, concerned school roof enthusiasts, poor train workers and all the scandal compensation…it’ll cost billions. The look on the new lot’s faces…priceless.

In no circumstances leave a “funny” note saying there’s no more money. They might use it against you and suddenly pretend that they take finances very seriously. It’s political wokeness gone mad.

Image credit: Thomas Bormans / Unsplash

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Internal Combustion Engine references to be phased out of political rhetoric by 2035

The use of the phrase “Turbocharging” in relation to policies is wasteful and unnecessary for everyday communication. By 2035, all government petrol and diesel engine political references are to be discontinued, and new electrical vehicle-based ones to be used instead, probably from China.

Instead of saying departments are “Firing on all cylinders”, government representatives will experiment with phrases like “rotating between magnetic fields” and “utilising electromagnetism to the max” so not to appear lame and out of touch.

In speeches, the use of “Supercharged” is only to be used in relation to fast charging electric vehicles, rather than a traditional mechanical compressor system. This will definitely not be confusing and will work out really well.

One of the issues with referencing electric motors is that instead of cool sounding kit like 4.2L V6 engines, they have rather pathetic parts, such as “squirrel cages”. This has not done well in focus groups and will therefore be used as much as possible.

image from pixabay

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