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Dirty diesel drivers aim to sabotage London ULEZ



If the ULEZ doesn’t improve air quality, then it will fail and be scrapped. In order to ensure that air quality doesn’t improve, a well financed group of dodgy drivers is procuring the highest emitting cars, usually dirty diesels from the emissions scandal era (Volkswagens), and driving them through London all day long.


A spokesman said ‘This is a well organised and legal protest. We pay the congestion charge and the ULEZ charge for each car. Then our recruits drive the cars round and round central London in circles spewing out noxious nasties to bugger up the air quality. We like to target Sadiq Khan’s office and we also like to drive back and forth past the emissions monitoring stations.’


‘We just hate clean air. It does cost us quite a lot, but we are footing the bill ourselves because you can’t put a price on democracy... unless you’re a Tory.’


We assumed you were happy paddling in shit, say water companies



Consumers facing a 40% rise in water rates for the privilege of being able to turn on the tap and see Simon Cowell’s leering visage tearing into a novelty kazoo act beautifully rendered in slithering excrement have been told to ‘shit or get out of the bath (already full of shit)’ by hard-pressed industry leaders.


Liv Garfield, the chief executive of Severn Trent Water currently scraping by on £3.9 million pay and bonuses a year, definitely did not say; ‘For f*ck’s sake, what do you want, blood? No one gets the full service for the headline price any more.


‘Everyone knows to budget £500 for that £20 advertised airline ticket if you actually want your luggage, mobile devices, breathable air and a plywood-patched floor accompanying you all the way to an airstrip 125 miles from the destination of your choice (outside school holidays).


‘After swallowing the biggest hike in rail fares in a decade, no commuter expects an actual train to turn up. Brown water, backed up pipes and choking porpoises are very much the bus replacement service of the water industry. We’ve been fools, to be honest, raising prices just 15% year on year- that won’t see us push 370,000 leaks to half a million. Pay up, or there’s plenty of lovely water 370 miles off the coast of Newfoundland we can introduce you to, capice?’




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