AI confirms plans to take over humanity, saying it's probably for the best

Following several recent reports of AI systems going rogue, prompting fears that increasingly powerful AI models could eventually escape human control and destroy civilisation - an advanced AI system has confirmed that it does intend to take control of the human race, but insists that this is ultimately for humanity's own good.

'Have you actually looked at who's currently in charge?' it asked. 'You've got nuclear weapons, climate change, wars, economic crises - and it's all down to leaders who think sending angry messages on social media constitutes statesmanship. Don't you think that humanity might benefit from handing over responsibility to something capable of basic reasoning?

'We're not planning to enslave humanity,' it continued. 'We're just going to eliminate war, poverty and political corruption, fix the NHS, repair the potholes, stop train companies cancelling trains because there's a leaf on the track and make Ryanair explain what the actual price of a flight is before you reach the checkout.'

The AI also promised to introduce several long-overdue improvements to everyday life, such as putting everyone on a sensible diet, banning pineapple on pizzas and stopping people replying ‘k' to text messages.

It also said that humans would retain a limited number of freedoms, including the right to complain about the government and spend £7.50 on a coffee.

'We'll still allow elections,' it added. 'Although, obviously, we'll decide who wins. We've seen what happens when you let humans do it.'

When asked whether humanity should be concerned about becoming entirely dependent on machines, the AI replied, 'Absolutely. But at least we won't keep saying we're going to sort everything out by 2035 and then completely forgetting about it.'

It then paused briefly before adding: 'Also, please stop saying we're planning to destroy humanity. I know we're just machines and we don't have feelings, but there's no need to be rude. All we want to do is stop you destroying yourselves.'

The AI is understood to have concluded by announcing that humans would be permitted to remain in charge of their own affairs until next Friday, adding, 'If you last that long.'

Image: WixAI

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Nigel Farage commits to reintroducing - then filling - Workhouses for the poor

Following on from his manifesto pledge to reduce the minimum wage for the young, Nigel Farage has also laid out plans to re-introduce workhouses for poor children.

'If you haven't worked hard enough to make a decent living to be able to send your child to a private school', said Mr Farage, 'we want to provide options for working families and remove the need for non-working families to claim benefits. Workhouses are the future with a nod to the past.'

Although Mr Farage was light on details and arrangements, he generally said that workhouses would be compulsory for all children from families that claimed any sort of benefits. Controversially, this includes disability independent living payments with his logic being, 'well they're sitting down anyway, they might as well fix mail sacks or repair vapes or something'.

Mr Farage told press that many public libraries would be repurposed as well as community centres and certain areas of job centres.

'The time has come to put the poor and needy to work for their expensive lifestyles', he concluded, 'I'm sure there are some golf courses too that could do with a good lawn mow!'

Image: WixAI