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Michael Gove found telling the truth


In a twist nobody expected, former MP, now Lord Michael Gove was found telling the truth.


An interviewer on the BBC was attempting to find out what Gove knew about the fast track PPE contracts, whether the usual checks and balances in procurement had been avoided for any rational reason other than fraud and whether there was any collusion in his department to push contracts to companies without proven skills in PPE which happened to be run by 'chums'.


Lord Gove avoided answering any of these questions, obviously, but when asked if he had visited the House of Lords and he responded he'd voted seventy nine times, which apparently is true.  The interviewer is being treated for shock and is expected to make a full recovery.





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Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'


A Public Enquiry into The Great Train Robbery has concluded that Ronnie Biggs and his friends 'inadvertently' took bags filled with cash believing them to be their own suitcases.


Britain’s Special Envoy to Colombia, Michael Gove, welcomed the exoneration. 'People are so quick to point the finger but these were just some innocent commuters who accidentally found themselves with vast quantities of loot. Well, I say vast – that was years ago, seems like a drop in the ocean nowadays'.


In other news police aren’t searching for a missing £10 billion or the people who took it, despite the fact there is a VIP lane leading all the way to their bank accounts. One detective said 'Like old fashioned bank robbers, they wore masks. Low quality PPE to be exact.'




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‘Let’s get back to headlines about dead people and fraud’ Johnson urges Cabinet



Boris Johnson has told Cabinet colleagues that he wants a return to headlines about unimportant people dying abandoned and alone in their homes and bodies piling high in the wider community rather than more damaging headlines like Parytgate and wallpaper. The PM hopes ending Covid restrictions early will see a dramatic increase in hospitalisations, acute illness and record numbers of people dying from the virus and distract people away from more serious matters like his dwindling support within the Tory party.


Sources close to government say Mr Johnson has become increasingly concerned about his plummeting popularity in recent weeks and is seeking ways to change the negative narrative surrounding his failure to obey his own lockdown rules. ‘The PM would like to see a return to those heady days when all the small talk was about spiralling death rates across the UK, fraudulent PPE claims and a crippled NHS facing collapse…..he would die for upbeat headlines like that right now rather than these constant personal attacks about his behaviour during lockdown and his suitability for high office.


The headlines about people dying of Covid related illness were everywhere at one time and did take up a bit of his time….but he actually takes these headlines about his popularity seriously and wants them sorted. We think ending Covid restrictions earlier than expected will have the desired effect. It stands to reason that if your nan is fighting for her life after being admitted to hospital following a new wave of Covid you are more likely to be concerned about that than how much wine Boris chugged at on of his work events or whether he and Carrie prefer dancing to Abba or the Bee Gees.


'Ending restrictions early and seeing news footage of people on respirators dying in hospitals will help Boris bury those negative headlines once and for all’.




First published 11 Feb 2022


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