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Boris Johnson's plan to solve cost of living crisis is bold new initiative called 'Herd Immunity'


Highest seat of public protection in the land, Number 10 Downing Street, issued the following statement with a sigh and a tone of condescending irritation:


'Look, stop shivering and do try your best to listen up over the sound of your rumbling tummies. We are spending outrageous amounts on PR cut-through to ensure that you are all aware of our fabulous never-seen-before plan called Herd Immunity.


'This bold new initiative only appears to be exactly the same as doing absolutely nothing, as you are not looking at it from the perspective of scamming millions out of the public purse for yourselves.


'If you are really poor, then simply switch to Fortnum & Mason's own brand gateaux. But you must follow government advice on this and under no circumstances are you to touch it. Just leave it on the table uneaten next to the 17 empty bottles of Dom Pérignon, and ensure your housemaids keep the vintage wine fridge fully stocked.'




First published 7 May 2022


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Rats annoyed about being linked with billionaire scumbags


“Look, this has got to stop, we have a bad enough reputation as it is, but please stop linking us with awful elitist bellends just because of name similarity. We get it, we are associated with loads of awful stuff, our PR team is nowhere near as good as the squirrels.


Smell a rat? Dude….no need. Why can’t we have “Brave Whistle-blower Rat" rather than just rat out?


Even our skill set is mocked, we are really good swimmers and just being wet gets you classed as looking like a drowned rat. Just rude. If you are untrustworthy, do you get called a dirty vole? No, you don’t, it’s us again.


Even our efficient, prompt, sensible evacuation of a sinking sea vessel is somehow a bad trait.

We are the go-to animal for deceit, mess, and being sneaky. Do we even get credit for our ability to survive falls from great heights? Nope, cats get all the recognition for that one. We are fast and agile, how about a compliment for that? Our ability to run up drainpipes is not “panicking” it’s an admirable skill for crying out loud.


Put the word bag after our name and that means annoying, that is just weird. Anyway, we can deal with that, but we draw the line at being associated with Monaco based, tax avoiding billionaire shitehawks. Yes hawks, you’re not always majestic killing machines, welcome to our world.


Billionaires should be thrown to the rats….Goddammit.”


image form pixabay

Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!


Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders,


We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in:


'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.'


'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.'


And: 'Gordon Bennett, the points have failed at Clapham Junction, and I'm going to be 20 minutes late for work again.'


We could have spent some taxpayers' money sorting out the problems at Crewe and Clapham Junction, but we blew it all on hiring an overpriced branding agency to come up with a new livery design for the locomotives.


They'll now be a lurid mess of red, white, blue and hi-viz yellow - flecked with dead leaves, graffiti and rust - which will have you exclaiming on the platform: 'Gordon Bennett, what a sodding eyesore.'


All aboard! Or, all a-bored! Which you will be, after waiting three hours for a train at Carlisle.



Image credit: stablediffusion.com

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