King Charles “really not that interested in soldiers marching about”

Following today’s Trooping of the Colour ceremony, Buckingham Palace has issued a statement saying King Charles really isn’t that interested in watching soldiers marching about.

”I know mummy used to enjoy it, though God knows the ancient Greek always looked as bored as f*ck.

”Anyway, I’m King now and what I say goes. So please don’t expect me to sit through this bollocks again next year, all this stupid marching about for no reason. I mean, they don’t even look like real soldiers in those silly red uniforms and furry hats. No wonder we lost India. 

“And don’t get me started on the bloody Red Arrows. So you can fly close to each other belching out coloured smoke, whoopee doo-dah. Do you know how many bloody times I’ve seen that? Either learn a new trick or let me enjoy my birthday in my own way.

”And that’s another thing - it’s not even my birthday, it’s my official birthday, which is a load of bollocks, frankly. My actual birthday is on… well, I don’t recall, but one of my staff will know.”

Soon after the press release was sent out, the King’s Press Secretary returned from a short holiday, saying “Well, the ceremony looked splendid on TV as always. Anything much happen while I was away?”

image from pixabay

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Harry reaps the whirlwind

White House Press Secretary ‘too challenging’, say onanists

The Royal Society of Onanists (patron: Darren Grimes) has requested that Karoline Leavitt be replaced as White House Press Secretary as she is causing ‘a disturbing lack of productivity’.

‘She should hit the spot’, a spokesman told reporters. He has asked to remain anonymous. Well you would, wouldn’t you? ‘She’s got all the right bits – she’s young, blonde, obviously not too bright – but try as we might, nobody’s managed to crack one out yet. Could it be . . . no . . . surely not . . . could it be that we’re actually not that shallow?’

Scientists are equally baffled. Professor Barrett is a sexologist. Yes, that’s a real job. ‘Usually it doesn’t even need to be a real woman. A cartoon figure, a dangling stiletto, the suggestion of a nipple intruding on stretched fabric . . . . excuse me’.

After a while he returned. ‘Where was I? Oh yes – it’s the male superpower. We’ve never encountered anything vaguely humanlike which can’t be used as . . . supporting material. Even Ann Widdecombe could be used in an emergency – we’re talking zombie apocalypse level situations, and suicide might be the preferred option – but Leavitt is something else.

We asked Ann Widdecombe for comment but she was busy setting up an Only Fans page.

image from pixabay