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Boris Johnson's plan to solve cost of living crisis is bold new initiative called 'Herd Immunity'


Highest seat of public protection in the land, Number 10 Downing Street, issued the following statement with a sigh and a tone of condescending irritation:


'Look, stop shivering and do try your best to listen up over the sound of your rumbling tummies. We are spending outrageous amounts on PR cut-through to ensure that you are all aware of our fabulous never-seen-before plan called Herd Immunity.


'This bold new initiative only appears to be exactly the same as doing absolutely nothing, as you are not looking at it from the perspective of scamming millions out of the public purse for yourselves.


'If you are really poor, then simply switch to Fortnum & Mason's own brand gateaux. But you must follow government advice on this and under no circumstances are you to touch it. Just leave it on the table uneaten next to the 17 empty bottles of Dom Pérignon, and ensure your housemaids keep the vintage wine fridge fully stocked.'




First published 7 May 2022


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New Mad Max film to become a documentary




With fuel prices set to rise, the world is expected to don its leather biker gear and fight to the death for the last drop of unleaded. Advice is to redesign your wardrobe for airflow, spikes, and intimidation.


Community will be essential — car-cult membership optional. Matching paint jobs and a shared belief in vehicular destiny is a must. And what matters is confidence-so grease on your face, and shout 'She’ll run!' before flooring it.


If you can strap a flamethrower to an electric guitar, congratulations — you are now responsible for the soundtrack of the apocalypse. Maps are for cowards. Drive into the wasteland on vibes alone. And the White House explained. 'Fuel will be the new currency. Treat petrol the way your nan treats teabags: hoard it, guard it, and only bring it out for very special occasions.' In other news, King Pyrrhus of Epirus phoned and asked Donald Trump if he can have his victory back.


Image: Wix AI

FIFA introduce ordeal by fire for World Cup tickets

After years of anticipation, football World Cup tickets have at last gone on sale. Seats at the final are now available for all fans who have completed the official assault course, proved the Riemann hypothesis, and pledged 10% of gross earnings for the next 25 years.


Succeeding at these tasks gets you through to the 7 hour wait on a telephone, before the actual price is revealed to you - and the location of the disused warehouse where you go to deposit your cash and pick up the coveted tickets. (Purchasers are reminded that ticket prices cannot be made public as they are "naturally" classified as top secret under the counter-espionage laws of all participating countries.)


For those fair weather fans who can't afford all that, seats at group stage matches will be available on payment of just a single kidney - with both organs required for knockout stage tickets. Fans are permitted to defer the fatal second organ operation until after the match, on provision of a "close family member" as hostage.


Some fans have noted that the prices and conditions are slightly different from how they were described in the original North American bid, where it was promised that a maximum price of £1000 for the final (£100 for group stage) or a day's volunteer work at an orphan hedgehog sanctuary would secure seats at any match.


However, FIFA officials say that as neither VAR, their Zurich bank managers nor the American authorities have raised any concerns, they are "very happy" that "the beautiful game is safe in our grasping hands".


image fom pixabay

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