FIFA introduce ordeal by fire for World Cup tickets

After years of anticipation, football World Cup tickets have at last gone on sale. Seats at the final are now available for all fans who have completed the official assault course, proved the Riemann hypothesis, and pledged 10% of gross earnings for the next 25 years.

Succeeding at these tasks gets you through to the 7 hour wait on a telephone, before the actual price is revealed to you - and the location of the disused warehouse where you go to deposit your cash and pick up the coveted tickets. (Purchasers are reminded that ticket prices cannot be made public as they are "naturally" classified as top secret under the counter-espionage laws of all participating countries.)

For those fair weather fans who can't afford all that, seats at group stage matches will be available on payment of just a single kidney - with both organs required for knockout stage tickets. Fans are permitted to defer the fatal second organ operation until after the match, on provision of a "close family member" as hostage.

Some fans have noted that the prices and conditions are slightly different from how they were described in the original North American bid, where it was promised that a maximum price of £1000 for the final (£100 for group stage) or a day's volunteer work at an orphan hedgehog sanctuary would secure seats at any match.

However, FIFA officials say that as neither VAR, their Zurich bank managers nor the American authorities have raised any concerns, they are "very happy" that "the beautiful game is safe in our grasping hands".

image fom pixabay

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