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PM's integrity level "now a negative number"


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A spokesman for the British Institute for Quantifying Everything has announced that Boris Johnson's Integrity Quotient has now dropped below zero. "This is astonishing" exclaimed Dr. Phil Norrell, specialist in IQ calculations, "We had always assumed that when this level reached zero the individual would be inherently untrustworthy and ultimately scorned by society. However, it now seems that once below zero, the individual exudes a sort of parasitic affect on the Integrity of any other individual in the vicinity. Fascinating - almost as if feeds on the honesty of others, and taints by association".


Prolonged exposure to this field could result in a permanent integrity erosion with no hope of recovery. Dr. Norrell is now concerned whether this effect can be intensified by physical contact with the PM in a sort of inverse 'Royal Touch' effect.


"Luckily, natural revulsion should protect a large proportion of the populace" confided Dr. Norrell. It is believed that the PM has been in this state for many years, but it has been masked by the company he keeps, many of whom also exhibit symptoms of this condition. "All the parasitic behaviour in the group just cancelled itself out"


First published 31 May 2022



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PM dumbs down ministerial code to make it more comprehensible to himself


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The Prime Minister has removed the words "honesty, integrity, transparency and accountability" from the ministerial code, it has been revealed.


'Boris just doesn't understand what these words mean', said a source close to the PM. 'His face just goes blank whenever they're mentioned'.


An aide is said to have attempted to help him understand, but was asked by the PM to only use single syllable words if at all possible as his head was starting to hurt.


First published 28 May 2022



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Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals

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Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.



‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’



Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.



Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.



Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.



Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.



First published 27 May 2023



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