Footy - 'My biggest achievement in office' claims Starmer

'I just want to say - and let me be absolutely clear about this - the England team's success in a recent football match against Mexico was, to a very large extent, due to the not inconsiderable degree of encouragement they received from their supporters in England.'

'And this support would not have been so prolific if it had not been possible for honest, hard-working football enthusiasts from all parts of England, regardless of wealth or occupation - including, but not limited to toolmakers and the sons of toolmakers - to attend premises providing public refreshment during the actual time of the contest in question.'

'With regard to the question of regional priorities, as a retiring prime minister, it would not be appropriate for me to offer any comment except to respectfully draw attention to the fact that the city of Manchester does not have a team competing in the current ongoing world football championship contezzz ... ' 

image by Grok

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Burnham to pack off deadbeat ex-PMs to Dunrulin

'We have had six PMs in the past 10 years, almost all of them useless, and they all of need to be consigned to the dustbin of history,' said a ruthless member of Andy Burnham's transition team.

'This is why we're converting an abandoned pig barn near Milton Keynes, naming it Dunrulin, and moving them in there with no right to leave. Then Andy can take over with the slate wiped clean.

'In Dunrulin there'll be the Bullingdon Room, where David Cameron and Boris Johnson can hurl bread rolls at waitresses endlessly, a droid repair lab for Theresa 'Maybot' May, and a walk-in fridge in which Keir 'Blancmange' Starmer can sit doing sweet FA, as usual. Rishi can stand under a running shower dressed in his Saville Row suit, repeatedly announcing elections.

'Every one of these PMs was useless, but all in their own sweet ways,' said the newly-appointed matron of Dunrulin, Hattie Jacques. 'That's why we will give them the most tender, loving care in their declining years.

'Apart from Liz 'Barmpot' Truss. The only place we can safely put her is the padded cell.'

Image credit: ChatGPT

Burnham's tour of No.10 reveals he has stuff to learn about being a Prime Minister