Prime Minister | NewsBiscuit 6/44

Schrodinger's Queen is both dead and alive

Wrenfoe
Feb 24

Rumours persist that the death of the Monarch is being concealed - at least until the next slow news day. These whispers have been exasperated by sightings of Prince Charles, laughing maniacally in a new frock.

The press has noted panic buying of black armbands and corgi shaped floral bouquets. The Prime Minister, himself, is said to have already block-booked all available slots of 'two minutes of silence.'

A palace spokeswoman confirmed: 'The Queen was seen alive and well at a local Pizza Express.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/board-mathematics-school-to-learn-4855963/

First published 24 Feb 2022

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Starmer furious the other boys won't let him play soldier

Wrenfoe
Feb 18

Peace talks between Putin and Trump look set to go ahead without Field Marshall Starmer, meaning that UK will miss out on a gold opportunity to get shot at.

The PM is said to be incandescent with rage, that his forever war has barely outlasted Rachel Reeves credibility. Instead of a glorious campaign of photo opportunities, Starmer is left having a defense meeting with the French - which an oxymoron.

He has still proposed to increase defense budgets by cutting back on welfare spending – by sending everyone in a wheelchair to the Ukrainian frontline. The PM had been banking on the popularity a war would give him, and the chance to win the Lord Kitchener lookalike competition.

Sir Keir is a real life Action Man, and small enough to wear the toy uniform. Sadly, he will never get to wear is stick-on medals, cocked hat and replica musket – it will all stay in his dressing up box, alongside his pretend socialist hat.

Image: Pixabay/red_koral_ph

Cake to become next PM

Sir Lupus
Jan 27

The birthday cake that Boris Johnson was given in June 2020 is tipped to be Britain's next Prime Minister, according to Downing Street insiders today.

Speaking from behind the bike sheds at no 10 and furtively sipping a glass of tap water, an aide said "the Party is looking for something bright, relatable and that everyone would fancy a bit of. The cake stands out way ahead of the other contenders, especially when it's candles are lit. Admittedly, it's a bit stale, the cream filling has gone off a bit by now and the whole thing will probably need to go in the bin soon, but then.. excuse me - hello Prime Minster! Yes of course it's vodka."

However, there is no guarantee that Britain can look forward to a sweet sponge-based government, as it's understood that the cake has also had a lucrative offer from the BBC to be its new chief political reporter, based on its skill in ambushing politicians.